שרה Sophie's

M

2012-01-19T20:21:00.018+01:00

It does not happen very often that you have known a person forever and after years that person shows up again all grown up and sophisticated. Then you proudly say: yes, I've always known she would make it.

I was a teenager when I saw Michelle Williams on "Dawson's creek" for the first time and I loved her at once. There was Katie Holmes's character that everybody loved, but I didn't, she had too annoying voice.
Michelle was different.
Time went by and so did the emotions caused by the "Dawson's creek" while I still hate Dawson for being a total creep, not in a good sense though.

I grew up as most people do.
And I saw "If these walls could talk 2". I stayed at my friend's. She went to sleep early and I did not know what to do (there was no internet yet), so I turn the TV on and saw this movie which made a quite impression on me. There are greater actresses in this movie than not-so-well-known Michelle Williams or Chloe Sevigny, but they upstage everyone else around. Who knows, it might just be that I was in 10th grade or something by that time and the subject interested me, like of that feminism, homosexuality and the 70's. The movie is quite emotional and powerful, in an indie Hollywood way though. Probably I wouldn't be that impressed if I saw it now.
Michelle Williams still got it.

The other movie that made me cry was "Me without you". Well, I could not quite identify myself with her character in this movie, but there was something common between us anyway. Smart Jewish girl being friends with the bohemian British girl from crazy family, falling for the brother of the latter; giving up her feelings, thoughts and principles for the childhood friendship. At that time I had also given up "something" (for the different reason) and had let it go.
I've cried over this movie and the feelings of Williams' character because I knew exactly how she felt.
Luckily, that something that I had almost given up did not let me go...

And now she went Marilyn. I wouldn't exaggerate if I say that she's the best Marilyn that has ever been made so far. You know how I adore Marilyn Monroe, so before I watched the trailer I told myself not to judge and not expect anything at all. Just watch and listen. You should never ask from any director or actress to create better Marilyn than she was herself. Impossible.
Michelle did it.
Michelle did it and not because she looks exactly like Marilyn, or walks and talks like her; no, simply because she has this rare humbleness in her character that Marilyn too had. She has a low profile and does not make dramas out of her life, others do.

Michelle created Marilyn and did not spoil anything. She did not try to be more attractive than expected; did not overdo with the appearance or voice.
And what made me happy was that Michelle did not make that terrible looking-fool eyes that most actresses have done when performing Marilyn. Face it, only Marilyn Monroe could do that natural-looking-fool-winking because playing fool is hard especially when it doesn't become to anyone.

Well deserved Golden Globe and more to come.

Michelle, I always knew it. I really did.

Isaiah

2012-01-14T22:08:00.006+01:00

Sometimes we have such calm and relaxing Shabbat I absolutely forget the outside world and just immerse myself in my warm home.
This morning I had time to read the weekly parshah "shmot" and its haftarah which was from Isaiah. The latter prophets tend to sadden me: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ovadiah, but this week's haftarah was not that depressing. It was about the redeemer, theme of hope and rejoice.

Who are we hoping for? Do we really believe that the messiah could really help? Can he really change the social rules or make our economy better? Are we just too infantile to long for the warm motherly chest where you feel so safe you would never leave it if you knew the harshness of the world.
This is hard to understand.

I think the redeemer is inside us. Each one of us was born to carry its burden and not to give in. Yes, sometimes it might get unbearable and you feel so weak you wish you could scream and shout and bring the messiah right away. It does not happen that way though. It never will.
I remember we had amazing Rabbi Osher Baddiel last year visiting the midrasha and giving quite intellectual shiurim about Mashiach. That's what he also said quoting Rambam. Mashiach is not someone who comes and takes away all your debts, or makes water into wine. He could be anything and anyone. He is not to come and make the world easier place to live. No. The world has been designed the way it is, Adam and Eve had done what they could to make our lives extravagant and now it is all up to us to live it. To change what's been done and make the world better place.

What is the WORLD though?

Outside world is nothing that impresses me lately.
I am building this little sunny world inside. You can't change anything without changing yourself, or at least trying to.

Last year was so full of emotions and making decisions, long distance relationship, engagement, wedding, new place, new people... new environment; new him and me. And as it usually happens - loads and loads of people watching you, discussing you, wondering about your life and asking questions forgetting to respect your privacy.
Then, behold, as they say in old books: I realized this is also a part of my life. Part of my searching of the messiah that is none other but us.
Yes, life is meant to be complicated because only then you understand the importance of your people, uniqueness of the person G-d has given you, and last but not least - yourself - all grown up and still growing, groaning and moaning like an old lioness seeking justice and peace.

Capricorn - THE SIGN

2012-01-02T18:56:00.007+01:00

To Alla, the true Capricorn from Hannover

Careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.

"Into the wild"

Are you a Capricorn?

You cannot just be a Capricorn, you needed to earn to be one somehow. Cannot really tell why do some people deserve to be Capricorns but in fact they do.
I do.
So do you.

Life is what you make it, I have always believed especially then, when I left my sunny home for this cold country and the Berlin Midrasha which changed my life.
Still, looking back and remembering people, things, places that I've seen, been or had, made me realize that everything would be different if I was not a Capricorn. Thank G-d, I am.

Any book you read about zodiac signs you see that the Capricorn is an Earthly sign with strong character traits: ambitious, organized, motivated, stubborn and humorous. What else can you ask for in this world?..
No book or paper will provide you with the true Capricorn features though.

Should I try to?

Well:

All we really strive for is LOVE.
All we really care about is LOVE.
All we really give is LOVE.
All right, some might chuckle about our "lovability" which can get very weird sometimes, because all we do is to put our heart and mind in it and might get obsessed with ideas and ideals, note it.
All or nothing.

There is a little funny fact I cannot get away with. Girl Capricorns always marry THE ones. It might seem little funny but all these four women I mention below were born under the Capricorn sign and please don't tell it is just a coincidence. There are no such thing in my mind. There is something supernatural about Capricorns:
Princess Kate
Michelle Obama
Mrs Saakashvili
Madame Sarkozy
Although your husband is neither prince nor president now, remember, it is just about time. Just about time, have patience ;)

Honestly speaking, it is always up to women what way to choose and which shoes to wear (in this case not literally); and the girl Capricorn is much matured and witty than the boy as it always happens between sexes.

Even if a girl Capricorn looks weak and needs a shoulder to cry on, at the end of the day it is her who showers her friends and family with love and comfort, never losing strength and being energetic when exhausted.
Girl Capricorn is confident, extremely sensitive and there is little scary thing about her: she can also get icy cold and not let anyone get close. She can shut down herself, eat oneself inside out but never show it to others.
Capricorns are very goal-oriented indeed, but most of them do not really care about career. Admit it. Capricorns would love to break free and never let system get them down. They would love to live peaceful life - write, paint, travel and give as much love as it is possible.
What is most adorable about Capricorn is that it never loses hope and keeps positivity shining through; Capricorns never give up and if they ever do, it is just because they have found something better to go after.

Capricorns will always be.
Capricorns will always rule (at least their husbands will).

Happy Birthday dear Capricorns of the world, enjoy life! Don't be afraid to rise and fall. Love and be loved. Let the sunshine in!!!

Post-Soviet Me

2011-12-26T21:28:00.009+01:00

'You know, it's all just humor. Don't take life so seriously. Don't take fashion too seriously. Don't take the movie industry too seriously. Don't take love and your relationship so goddamned heavy all the time. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Life is high school and it's small and everybody talks about everybody, so just laugh your ass off.'

Drew Barrymore

It's not always so easy to do so we all know it. I wish I could be as lighthearted as Drew states herself in this sentence.

If I were born in sunny California I might also feel that way. Sure it is easy not to take life seriously when you haven't spent your childhood in the destroyed Soviet Union in 90's, or you've never experienced learning English by the light of the gas lamp. No jokes here. When I was at school it was absolutely normal for the electricity to go on and off, and doing home work near the terribly smelly gas lamp was just a regular evening thing.

Why do I recall all of this?
I don't know.
It has been my life and no matter how fast I run I can never get away from it so all I have to do is to write it down and let you know.
I often have dreams about the past; the past that was so surreal you would not believe and sometimes I don't want to believe either. Dreams about people that are there no more, dreams about the places that have faded away and the feelings that came out false and dreams about this little piece of flesh beating in one's chest and making the blood boil...
But dreams always end by the morning and another surreality starts which is known as real life and which is more illogical than the dreams one had last night.
I guess the Soviet Union was a dream too. Unbearable dream for some people. Utopia. And Utopia is nothing but surreal, isn't it?
So you can never blame this little (relatively) me of being irrational or too rational because I am a product of the gas lamp generation; the product of the lame American movies and the wall that has never been there even though the whole world claimed it was.
All my friends are the products too. Not only friends but all the people that lived around that time and by the end of the 90's did not know whether laugh or cry after becoming the citizens of so called democratic republics (for this I recommend you amazing German movie "Good bye, Lenin").
Democracy, my feet. As some people would say politely.
There is no such thing.
There's only dream, dreamers and G-d laughing at the latter.

Sometimes I do feel that life is not worth of eating oneself. Then I am carefree and laughing out loud realizing the vanity of being. I am not the first one to notice that becoming psychotic about things do not make them work actually, you only win when you are calm and self confident.
And again, does winning always means getting what you really want or need?
No it doesn't.

Therefore:

What you need you already have and what you want is just a matter of time, that's what would I suggest and keep smiling not minding my dark post-soviet childhood.

P.S. I've been 27 since last Friday :) that makes a girl think, no?

Persona

2011-12-21T21:29:00.000+01:00

Mamas and little girls

2011-12-13T18:05:00.007+01:00

I am so into Victoria Beckham and her baby girl lately. We know Mrs Beckham got the style, got the flow and got it all. But what's most adorable in her is her baby daughter Harper who is so cute you can't help to love her. Well, also mind the designer clothes she's always dressed in like that of Chloe or "loving" Prada as her fashion obsessed mum has revealed.

Some may say Victoria's overdoing with her daughter but what I would say is that she is very good wife, mother of four and always wearing clothes like no-one else could've worn that way. I think everyone would love to be so successful in everything she does and above all, having lovely family that rocks it all.

The Pendulum by the Ettes

2011-12-12T19:41:00.009+01:00

The Ettes is the band from the United States. Jam (the guy) was born in New Jersey and moved to Florida when he still was a kid. Then comes Coco, Florida born enthusiastic frontwoman and a guitar player of the band; and there's shaggy haired beautiful Poni from New York.
They are all about 70's to meet early indie of our times.

This band is not phenomenal at all. They make music that any other band could play. It's one of those guys that got really lucky to sign a record label and make an album that Drew Barrymore found and used one of their songs in her directorial debut "Whip it".

I got to know this ban via Drew too. They have got couple of good songs and Poni can hit the drums as she can't hit people, she says. As for Coco - she has a curvy figure like Drew's roller skater and a voice that Nancy Sinatra would die for.

So, nothing really special. They just got the style, got in the right place on a right time as they say and made me listen to them for a while.

Variety of choice

2011-12-03T19:44:00.008+01:00

I intended to blog two weeks ago and tell you about the things I am into right now.
I started to go to the Volkshochschule which would be Folk High School in German. Yes, after almost two years living here I decided it is time to learn German properly.

The Leipzig Volkshochschule is really one of the good schools in Germany. First of all the building is beautiful and old; but what's more important our wedding dinner and dances took place in the concert hall of this very school last June. So it is quite emotional going there everyday, ascending the stairs and seeing familiar halls - always expecting some dear face to appear and smile at you.

There are 15 students in my group. Variety of world culture: A couple from South Korea (newly married, very cute ones), a very funny boy and a girl from Japan; yes, that was the guy whom I've surprised with my age, then there is a heavy metal lover from Finland with fair hair and cold face, one more couple from Poland with typical polish names: Marek and Eva, one guy from Kazakhstan, an Indian guy with smily face who has difficulty to pronounce the diftong: SH, a very intelligent girl from Iran and the last ones but not least two other girls. Well these two girls made a funny entrance for one of them is from Romania and her name is Aurelia while other one comes from Brasil, is Afro-American and named Lyudmila. Don't you find it funny too? You would expect Lyudmila to be this blonde girl in mini-skirt speaking with Russian accent and all you get is a Brasilian lass with loud voice and big body.
Oh, and there's me - exotic Georgian one with covered hair, joking and asking questions all the time.

Mentioning my covered hair was not by accident.

Everyday at 10 we have a half hour break in the school. That's when some of us have lunch, go to the toilet, or stay in the classroom and stare at the walls or getting to know with people and have some conversation. I would not say that I am always extremely friendly but I love talking to people, finding out about their nationality, their religion, their opinion about various subjects, and definitely telling them about Georgia and its religious tolerance I have always been proud of.

Well, one morning, me and my Iranian classmate were sitting in the "lunch-room", she was having her cake and I was eating my huge yellow Golden apple, later Romanian girl also joined us. I asked Iranian girl with beautiful name (Parvane which means butterfly in Persian and so in Georgian) about the economics in Iran, about her opinion of the fundamental Islam and the unemployment (also one of my favourite subjects). She told me that despite of the huge resources of Petroleum country is in a very bad situation, unemployment reaches high numbers. There are many educated people with PhD degree and still not able to find a job. She and her husband also belong to those ones who have university degree but had to leave the country because it is hard to make ends meet. Then she spoke about old times with sadness in her voice saying how the Islamic revolution forced the king to leave and made all the women cover themselves. Women hate to wear those terrible clothes, Parvane said, and everyone who leaves Iran throws them away immediately.
So, you don't do it for G-d, do you? - I was astonished.

Yes, it was surprising for me even though I could guess that Islam never really favoured women. Although it must be noted that in spite of the fundamentalism the female education is on a high level in Iran, there are many intelligent and open-minded women able to receive proper university education and work, I can attest to that having met my "schule-mate" Parvane and knowing her language learning skills.

Only thing that kind of scared me is what she said about Iranian women hating covering themselves. I've always believed that one should only observe religion when one believes in it and does things not for someone but for G-d and one's own spiritual growth.
Did not you also think that all the Muslims (whether they blow up things or not) are acting in the name of their god?
Well, it seems that they don't.
They are doing so because of the lack of choice.

I am observing Jewish woman, covering my hair and wearing modest clothes. As I come from Georgia wearing modest clothes was never a challenge, but covering hair after I got married was one of the most difficult things in my life.
First argument with myself I had after a month of being married when covering hair was not fun anymore and wedding excitement was fading gradually. I had missed seeing the sun through my hair, I had missed the feeling of freedom when wind blows your hair to your face... I had started to get nervous when I was going out and could not match any scarf or hat to my dress. And that's when I asked myself:
"Sophie, in the first place you were and are happy that only your husband can see your hair, what's happened now? You want to show off?"

After this question "Sophie realized" that the reason was not desire to show off her hair to other people but the modern western society trying to free women while they are putting more pressure than the Islamic Republic of Iran mentioned above. While they are "freeing" women and taking all the clothes off they tend to forget how they humiliate woman today. Look at any billboard, check out any advertisement, browse any site you wish and all you would see is a pretty woman suggesting brand new cars, shampoos, clothes (while she has hardly anything on) and various products or services. Women have become lowest subjects of desire and after this how could some of us still believe in media assuring us that being modest and observe moral codes are out of date and fruits of scary fundamentalism?

I do not wish others to see my hair although I still miss it loose on my shoulders and being catcher in the rye (bookish way to say).
I am truly happy the way I live because difference between me and Iranian women (and the advertising ones) is the freedom of choice.
I am free.
I chose to observe Torah and its laws. I chose to keep the commandments for nobody else but G-d. So I chose many things and no matter what western society thinks of Orthodox Jews or religions in general, we truly know when/if we are free and mind is open instead of other parts of the body.

Up and up and up

2011-11-29T15:07:00.003+01:00

I come home.
Open the post box and hope there will be a letter that I really need to get. All I get is taxes.
Go up and up and up.
Nothing.
Up and up and up.

Still nothing.
White walls and brown balconies.
I feel that the world has to disappear and reappear again. Then everybody would be either dead or happy.

Anyway.
Every word we say is empty. Every heart is cold. Every mind is blank. Every river streams down to nowhere.
I still try to go up and up and up.
Nothing happens.

Mascara gets ruined. Eyes get red and tired. Chocolate boxes go to the grey bin which is supposed to be the recycling bin for papers.
Everything gets recycled and recycled, new things come out and tend to be ecologically friendly, give me a break!
So we go up and up and up.
Still nothing but taxes to pay.

By Alabama Otis

Pink Banana

2011-11-09T10:40:00.004+01:00

What do you do if you have loads of bananas spoiling in your kitchen and all you think of is to make a banana cake. Well, it would not work if your family does not approve banana cakes as a matter of fact.

I am not fond of cakes, I'd rather have some juicy fruit or just a juice. Banana cake is not popular at our household either because my husband loves only traditional cakes with loads of cream or Georgian sweets such as Gozinaki (YES!). So, waking up in the morning and seeing poor, once yellow bananas going black melts your heart and you decide to find a recipe how to make Banana Mousse.

Here.
I did not use liqueur though because we have none. Instead I poured apple juice and lemon acid; added some cherries, which painted the banana in pink. Now my mousse is resting in the fridge waiting for the time to come and be eaten at the dinner.

Oh and the dinner is going to be meaty so banana mousse is just perfect for a dessert, isn't it?
Thus, when life hands you bananas - make a mousse out!

Happy Wednesday!!!

Now go to sleep

2011-11-07T19:50:00.010+01:00

Letter club

2011-10-25T15:29:00.006+02:00

Today I imagined that I was some old times English lady writing a letter to her friend in another town. I found the pen that I have not used for a long time, got papers from my old note-book, took an envelope from my husband's drawer and got down to writing.
Whenever you do something you need to feel comfortable. Even writing a letter should be cozy and make you feel good; so I sat in my kitchen which has a nice view to the green backyard wearing a green Zara cardigan and green ear-rings I have bought two years ago in Berlin.
And the pen started to slip on the paper like it did not belong to me at all.
That is what usually happens to me - when I start to write ideas, thoughts come so randomly all I have to do is to follow the pen and make it write slower for nobody would have been able to read what I had written.

People don't write letters to friends nowadays. They write e-mails I know. I e-mail everyone all the time too but you can never compare an e-mail to a real letter written by not computer or some typewriting machine but a living human hand.
My husband has beautiful hand writing in fact. Mine is awful. I write fast and never mind the size of the letters. I make notes to him when I leave, or when I want to make his day... then he comes to me asking what have I actually written.
Nonetheless I write and write because that's what I feel quite good at.

I had some weird professor in my freshman year at University who taught Linguistics and she used to repeat the following: "Verba volant, scripta manent" meaning 'Words fly while letters remain'. Even though I used to think she was scary and giving students hard time now I absolutely agree (should I feel little nervous what if I am getting weird too?).
So if the letters remain imagine how eternal our writings could be? You may write some funny story or a witty line which will make someone's day in a ten year's time or next century. Why talk about someone in a century but yourself, you may find your old diary that you kept when you were a teenager, find some lines you had scribbled there and here you go - happy, inspired and feeling loved.

That's my letter club all about, I decided this morning in my very kitchen writing a letter to a friend. I will write letters and mail them around to people I think of. Some people design clothes, some run the companies, some direct movies, some break hearts, some never smile and look gloomy, and I will be the head of my own letter club in my kitchen distributing moment of "scripta" happiness.
Don't let the word "moment" puzzle you, nothing lasts forever anyway and one precious moment is more important than the simple mundane decade.

Yours truly,

Sophie

Oceanic letter

2011-10-06T21:00:00.005+02:00

Dear Rebekka Averbach,

I decided to write you a blog letter.
Been listening to this song and somehow it reminded me of you - not that this girl is like you or anything, on the contrary - she's calm and singing so gladly, maturely, surely not a teenager.

Well, Rebekka, more than five years ago there was this girl believing in the dreams of Teddy (you remember him, don't you), diaries of Che Guevara and writing letters to some Czech authors; travelling all around and looking for the place to dwell...

Now this girl has found some Australian or maybe New Zealandian anonymous poet Alabama Otis and she is reading all she has ever written. It is weird to name the Australian girl Alabama, isn't it? Who knows probably there are many Alabama state lovers in New Zealand too. So weird but fact is that there she is, this Alabama Otis writing down all that happens around her, she writes down the dialogues between her and her husband, she writes down the words she hears in the street or while she rides a bike and hears the wind whispering through her hair.

Do you also go and keep the diary about what people say? Do you go and collect emotions that people lose here and there?

No, I don't. I think nobody really does except Alabama Otis. She's been living in this little town near the ocean. It is Summer beginning in Australia and New Zealand now. And she loves Summer, because it is the time when people keep spreading their emotions, take off the clothes they don't need anymore and become lighthearted like birds.
And mostly it is not even about clothes or emotions, it is all about our attitudes. Anyways, we all know it is all in our heads.
Don't we, Rebekka?

Whatever you might be doing in your little German city and no matter how far you might be from Alabama Otis and her warm oceanic home, remember to be free and sweet, ok? Not that sugar-honey-oversweetened but the sweet like natural fruits can be, having sparkles in your eyes and ride your bike with your hair loose on your shoulders and letting the wind to curl it up even more.
Summer will be back from Australia soon.

...

Dreams

2011-09-25T23:40:00.005+02:00

He: what is that you really want to be doing?
She: right now all I want to do is to cry my heart out for all the things I could never do.

Alabama Otis "Dreams" -

My latest discovery.

Oranges and tangerines

2011-09-19T23:44:00.012+02:00

If you asked me about five years ago I would tell you that there are nothing more lousy and boring than the weddings. But if you ask me now after three months of myself married under the very traditional chuppah I will tell you that there is nothing more beautiful and moving than the Jewish wedding.

My former orange room-mate (the room and the mate both orange, note that) Liora got married yesterday to a nice guy from the Berlin Yeshiva. I believe it was one of the most emotional weddings I have ever attended.

First, when I came to see Liora who was getting her make up done at the midrasha and saw her we both got so emotional, I almost ruined her make up. Then at the kabalat panim she looked so beautiful and pure you could not help but admire her. Second, the bedecken was something unusual - her old sweet grandmother was crying so hard you should've had an iron heart not to feel her - imagine, old lady who had gone through all the difficulties of Jewish life in Ukraine now seeing her lovely granddaughter getting traditionally married.

I have seen quite enough brides before but nobody looked so pure really. And in this world we miss this purity and innocence a lot.

...

After we got back in Leipzig, had supper, got some rest and thought that day over, I started to cry like a baby. I could not help it. I still cannot explain my outburst. Or maybe I can.
Liora and I had been room-mates for a year, and she's been most quiet and humble person I've ever seen. Sometimes there were some misunderstandings between us but we would never leave it for a night and always explained right away; there were difficult times for both of us when we would go for a walk around the Prenzlauer Berg, talk about our problems and support each other. Soon we both started to date our future husbands and we had loads to share and advise.

I think when you live in a place like the Berlin midrasha and not only go to the classes together, but truly share rooms, cheer up each other every morning by smiling and wishing a good day, you should be some kind of an ice queen not to get emotional when a friend gets married and looks as lovely as Liora did.

You can tell I've always been emotional and could never hide my feelings. Once a friend told me, Sophie, you are so easily read - if you smile you really mean it and if you don't smile that is scary. I was smiling all day long yesterday and stopped by the evening, and I also meant it.
I guess I realized we are growing up, times change, we all move on (and this is wonderful, thank G-d), still it is always sad because we all go apart, make out our lives, get older and will never be so young as we once used to be.

Mazal tov, Liora and to all, who enjoyed and shared this simcha with its heart and mind!!!

Put your skates on!

2011-09-07T21:23:00.006+02:00

Drew Barrymore directed a very interesting music video for MTV. Watched it yesterday and am really impressed. Not that I was not sure in Drew's talent, but the script is so cute and lively; emotional and dark sometimes - little mix of early 80's that meets Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story and angry James Dean.

Drew has been producing movies since she's 25 (now she's 36) and been managing a movie company "The Flower Films" with beautiful Nancy Juvonen (Jimmy Fallon's spouse). You might not know that Drew has also produced very hardcore "Donnie Darko" with Gyllenhaal sister and brother; there are also "Charlie's Angels" kicking some butt, romantic comedies like "Never been kissed" and "50 First Dates" under her company's belt. But her directorial debut took it all and became my personal number one movie "Whip it" with Ellen Page and Kristen Wiig in it with the motto: "Put your skates on be your own hero".

I wouldn't accept anything less. The video is so Drewish - idealistic, stylish and sweet. Haven't seen anything like this lately. Good job, Drew! Bring on some more. You know how to rock we all know that.

Watch the music video here.

Controversial love of mine

2011-08-28T21:26:00.007+02:00

This morning I woke up and realized that I miss Midrasha a lot. Particularly coming down to the kitchen filled with dozens of girls making mess on the table, kitchen desk, then myself giving them a "mussar", sometimes even being harsh on them and still loving them all so much.

You will never know this feeling if you have only lived home under the wing of your mum eating vanilla cream muffins every morning and kissing your dad goodbye. Girls of the midrasha are so controversial from different countries, family backgrounds, education, age, social and intellectual abilities, mentalities... So what, Abraham Ybn Ezra would say, don't expect me to be perfect when I am living in this controversial world. I love Ybn Ezra and I love my very dear controversial midrasha of Berlin - best place to grow up spiritually and physically, to learn how to get on with the various girls with various characters, to speak different languages and still every Shabbat going to synagogue and singing the beloved tune of Lecha Dodi, no matter who came from where, everybody loves and enjoys being Jewish there. Even people who want to become Jewish and feel the connection had come in the midrasha and felt the difference from the rest of the seminaries: that is what I call - authenticity. Authenticity of each and every girl, each and every teacher whether they come from Soviet Union or United States, or even very sophisticated Great Britain and fancy South Africa, everyone's dedicated and has one goal:
to be right, to develop and grow the love to Torah in every girl's heart. And as we all know, it is mostly about heart when it comes to the girls.

Last week Rivkah Carl, the former madricha, called me up to say goodbye for she was leaving next day to the states. I felt such love towards her. One needs so little to feel happy and glad; we spoke about the past year in the midrasha, the ups and downs, but hey, who could recall the downs? NOBODY. There is always 'ups' over there in the Lauder Midrasha, even if sometimes girls feel lonely and tired, under pressure or under excitement (for example if somebody's getting married and they have to get dressed and made up properly), but in the end of the day they could always find Rivkah, or Michal (the one and only em bayit Mrs Garrett, who I love so much), or even me (not so calm and wise as Michal but always ready to give a huge hug to anyone needed) to confide in and talk.

I don't know how it is going to be this year in the midrasha. There will be new management, new girls, new teachers, new family living on the third floor where all of us used to stick up colorful papers on the wall writing messages to the Garretts. I believe this new zman will be wonderful with Hashem's help, but we will never be the same, will we? We all grow up and change, leave the midrasha and have it also leaving amazing trail on our mind and soul. May all of us who have been or will be there always take positive, useful and sunny messages from the very controversial place of the world.

Lastly, not least though, thanks to Josh Spinner for founding place like this and giving us this opportunity. May you live long and happy life with your lovely family!!!

That awkward moment

2011-08-16T23:57:00.004+02:00

Been there so many times and all I could do was to pinch myself under the table :D

Safe?

2011-08-09T21:40:00.003+02:00

It's been just fifteen minutes fast of 9th Av is over. My husband's not back from synagogue yet and I have time to blog sipping herbal tea and looking through my window.

Life in Leipzig is very quiet. Germany is very quiet country indeed, you hardly ever hear loud speech or arguments among people. Everyone lives their life, say cold hi to each other, then lock their doors behind and feel safe.

What's this "safe" though? Safe from being helpful to others? Safe from being disturbed by your fellows? Safe from giving attention to someone needy?
I don't need this kind of safety if you know what I mean.
And I realized this today when my husband and I went to the Leipzig Tora Zentrum to watch a movie about Ytzchak Zilber - the famous "refusnik" of the Soviet Union who left for Israel in early 70's and never stopped being an observant Jew.
After he was accused of being a G-dbeliever and "abusing" his children to observe commandments like not writing on Shabbat and not eating non-kosher food, many people advised him to deny his religious belief but one old lady told him: 'If you leave G-d, who would stay with Him then?'
He never left Him.

When you see or read stories like this you realize how easy our life is - nobody's telling us to leave the faith and sometimes we still feel so under pressure. I guess it is because we have been bombarded by the world media to live on our own, be 'safe' and never let anyone to disturb us.
Why do we disturb G-d all the time though?

When we answer that everything becomes clearer and hopefully never lock the doors behind our fellows.

Wishing all of you to rebuild its own temple, be loving, caring and thoughtful to the people around.

How's married life, Soph?

2011-07-15T12:11:00.012+02:00

It's been almost a month we've been married.

Everyone keeps asking: so, Sophie, how's married life?

Like you don't know. Everything is sunny in my world.

Last year one of my friends got married and I heard everyone asking her how was her married life. Once she answered that it was kind of hard in the beginning to live with new person, get adjusted with new environment, new status and all. After a second I heard people saying, oh, their marriage is down the rocks, they must have some global [bedroom] problems... then other friend of mine got married and same questions were asked, she was just happily replying that marriage was the best thing and there was nothing like being home loving the husband. She was considered as husband-loving-freak with no global problems though. Thank Heavens!

So when my time had come, I decided not to answer questions like this or just suggest people to get themselves married.

Everything is as you make it. You want your marriage work - you do it. Word "love" has the same meaning as "giving" in Hebrew, in some languages "giving" is not considered quite something people are eager to do especially with the catholic world scaring everyone off.

Marriage is loving without thinking of reward; just believing in your soul-mate, judging him positively, showing warmth and giving a smile, making him feel you are always there for him. No matter you are Jewish Orthodox or secular one next block, you want to make it happen? So don't let the system get you down - love, love, love and don't be afraid to show it.

Someone told me once - I was the most grateful person ever seen and since then I realized I had to be even more for I've got all I need from G-d.
This is my married life - all I need.

Not November

2011-06-15T00:06:00.005+02:00

It is not November I know that. Not to mention the sweet one.
I need no Mercedes either.
I have many scarves though.

My life in Berlin is coming to an end, I've been here for 16 months. I was good and bad. I felt lonely and had lots of fun with the Midrasha girls. Traveled enough, saw places, faces, spaces... many things have changed since I've come here.
I have too changed.

I don't write letters to Che Guevara anymore, don't get angry about social injustice and try to be patient with anything that comes my way. Well, it does not work sometimes.

Do you know what hasn't changed in me? I still close my eyes and imagine bluest sea and the sun hugging my shoulders, getting me sunny and free. I know all the theories about reality, life, people and the harsh destiny we have to handle since Adam and Eve decided to have the fruit they were not supposed to have.
Never mind Che Guevara, I wish I could write to Eve.
Or I may be talking to her everyday for I believe there has to be some part of her in me as in every other woman.

Haven't written anything lately... I guess I have been saying that forever. Gosh. Am I becoming one of those failed authors who keep complaining they cannot write? One of my friends from Georgia recorded my old poetry and sent to me. I cried. I used to write nice stuff and it is ironic all that I have written has come true. I do not remember my old feelings at all, I don't remember people who I thought I would never forget...
Everything has become just a tiny reminiscent of a somnambulic book called: Sophie's life before...

I am nothing but a dirt.
I am not the first to say that unfortunately.
We will all fade away.
Torah will remain - only thing that will always be as long as there is Someone watching over His creation.
Nothing else matters now and all I want is to go to sleep and let this week finish. SOON.

Orange walls and Ulysses with the lights off

2011-05-23T23:27:00.007+02:00

It's getting harder and harder to breathe.
Maroon 5 has the copyright for these lyrics.
I had a friend who hated me.
Mayakovsky could never shoot himself.
This world turns on and on, and on...
Then you find yourself looking up the Zohar
Pretending you're so smart Shimon Bar Yochai would have adopted you.
Then you open your eyes and see the orange walls of your room.
You are still yourself - not knowing right from left.
At least that's what your friend thought.
Here you stop thinking and grab Ulysses.

Then you write the most insane lyric in the world.
Having found Drew Barrymore's weird photo
You can just post it and go to sleep.
You are too overwhelmed to sit and think.
Sylvia Plath was not Gwyneth Paltrow
Although Esther Greenwood was a virgin.
Nobody cares and you close all the books you've opened before.
23:35
Time to wake up some demons and dance the waltz till they drop off their scary bony jaws.
Tim Burton, come on, shoot somethin'

Ulysses gone.
Lights are on while someone comes in and says:
Turn'em off, Sophie, before you go to sleep.
Please.
I wish I could say: have I ever left the lights on? Do I look like someone leaving the lights on?
But you would never say that, Sophie, for the midrasha has trained you well.
All I say is: Sure. Good night.
Only then you can go back and e-mail your fiance.
The one who takes your breath away.
Lights go off as you start to leave for the orange room.
23rd of May, little crazy bride that you are, less than 4 weeks to go.

A Month

2011-05-19T15:38:00.008+02:00

I am so nervous right now.
I am so anxious.
I am so terrified.

19th of May means it is a month to go...

And I miss my fiance so much, it gets harder and harder to live apart.
The weather is stupid as usual - it started to rain then the sun showed up, I wanted to go to sleep meanwhile but now I think I'd better go and get things done.

Georgian consulate is not answering my calls which drives me mad and I probably will go there on Monday without an appointment at all. These government offices are so disturbing, aren't they? Have you ever seen any official representative of the country that would welcome and help you? I have not. Never indeed. And it is not just Georgia, no, my Israeli friends also complain about that, so do others.
It does not comfort me though.
I wanted some paper to be done soon.

I feel so tired, sleepless; my head aches, back aches, eyes ache, stomach aches and I think everything is getting on my nerves, even those things not connected to my body.

Oh, in addition with that I got James Joyce's "Ulysses" and I intend to read it soon. How soon, that is the question :D

Drew Barrymore has got new boyfriend, have I told you that? He's ok. I still prefer Justin Long to him but as long as Drew's happy I am happy. I actually wish I could invite her on my wedding. Wouldn't it be swell?
Anyway.

Drew and Will Kopelman

I am going to be a married woman in a month who will have to take care of her husband, household; one to make home most warm and peaceful place. It is so exciting and little frightening as well because it is something new and unknown, but as my fiance would've said, everyone goes through this and so will we.

Berlin - Haus ohne Hüter?

2011-05-09T23:47:00.005+02:00

Days are so long in May or it just seems to me because I want May to be over as soon as it could be. It's just 00:00 uhr and I feel like I've been living today's day forever. I wanted it to finish and now it's gone. I've witnessed one more 9th of May becoming part of the world history.
Do I represent a tiny bit of history too?
I am living it in Berlin and dreaming of its bohemian life in the mid 50's when the youth rebelled and Heinrich Böll published his "Haus ohne Hüter". And even then you could eat most delicious brown Brot with sunflower and sesame seeds, butter on it.

Can't write anything lately. I haven't written anything except my blogposts and pocket diary. Either I am too busy or too concentrated on what is going on in my life. Or both plus millions of other things that keep me away from literature. I have heard so much complains from the writers who are afraid to confess they have actually failed. What if I am also a failure writer? I have not written anything interesting since last year I guess.

I went for a walk today and visited couple of book-stores trying to find something new to read. I feel such cultural thirst cannot even explain. I need literature so badly. I need to read and write, to be inspired and feel that I can express myself on paper (not literally nowadays). Did not find anything though and decided first I should try to write and then read new books if I find anything amusing and worth while.

I have all I need though.
I really do.
All I need.

Lights will guide you home

2011-05-02T14:38:00.004+02:00

This post is dedicated to the memory of Sylvia Plath - my late inspiration.

Sipping my Earl Grey while there are words of the Coldplay's "Fix You" in my mind.
Trying to believe that lights will guide me home... home... There have been major changes in my life. Since March 23rd I've been engaged to get married. I am to be a wife. I am to be the one warming up home and making it into the coziest place for my husband and most irresistible castle for the non-friends.

I am so grown up while I still sometimes feel like this little Georgian girl wandering around the world who used to look for the light. Light guiding home, light guiding to the heart of the person who could be the light itself.

What does every girl dream of? Finding a perfect guy, to love and be loved. To get married, wear a white gown and feel like the queen of the universe knowing this must be the best day of her life.
I've never dreamed of wedding actually. All I ever wished was to marry a guy who would be worth of dedicating my life.
There is very famous German scholar Rabbi Hirsch who said love is something to come after marriage, after the time two people become one and I cannot agree more, but before two becoming one you need chemistry between those two; you need this divine or, let us say, physical attraction that makes them committed to each other.

Life is all about seeing the light and letting it guide you through darkness. We all know spiritual and mental darkness is the worst of all. Just have finished Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" and once more realized that life is so hard especially for intelligent women. You may go insane by every little thing that comes your way and does not go your way if you know what I mean. More you think less you know.

Then you just sip off your Earl Grey and loving the last drop of it - bittersweet and so English tasting - warms you up and guides you to serenity. If there is any serenity at all. It is all up to you.

Goodnight Moon

2011-04-06T01:31:00.001+02:00

There's a nail in the door
And there's glass on the lawn
Tacks on the floor
And the TV is on
And I always sleep with my guns
When you're gone

There's a blade by the bed
And a phone in my hand
A dog on the floor
And some cash on the nightstand
When I'm all alone the dreaming stops
And I just can't stand

What should I do I'm just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
And then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home

Well goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it's not here soon
I might be done
No it won't be too soon 'til I say
Goodnight moon

There's a shark in the pool
And a witch in the tree
A crazy old neighbour and he's been watching me
And there's footsteps loud and strong coming down the hall
Something's under the bed
Now it's out in the hedge
There's a big black crow sitting on my window ledge
And I hear something scratching through the wall

Oh what should I do I'm just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
I just hate to be all alone
Outside the door he followed me home
Now goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it's not here soon
I might be done
No it won't be too soon 'til I say
Goodnight moon

Well you're up so high
How can you save me
When the dark comes here
Tonight to take me up
To my front walk
And into bed where it kisses my face
And eats my head

Oh what should I do I'm just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
And then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home
Now goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it's not here soon
I might be done
No it won't be too soon 'til I say
Goodnight moon
No it won't be too soon 'til I say
Goodnight moon

Quote of Tuesday

2011-03-22T19:21:00.003+01:00

(Matt Dilon by Michael Muller)

I can't sleep. There is a woman stuck between my eyelids. I would tell her to get out if I could. But there is a woman stuck in my throat.

Eduardo Galeano

All about it

2011-03-21T13:28:00.008+01:00

I wish I could wake up and see the face I have dreamed about last night.
I wish I had a daisy field.
I wish I were a little wild girl with golden hair running through that very daisy field.
I wish I were somewhere warm and sunny.

Then I realize it is not about where you are, who you are or what you have been dreaming about - it is all about your heart. It is all about your soul; about your shining face and sad eyes. It is always about one's heart and mind.
Dear friend of mine told me that I often say very HIGH things which make one nervous, but I cannot help - I feel that way. Sometimes I feel so HIGH spiritually that I am to explode with this belief and trust to Almighty. Really.

[Missing my youngest aunt. Woke up and remembered about her today. She is so cool and understanding, I wish I could talk to her more, to sit there with her knowing she could just listen and tell me softly whatever is good.]

All I really wish is happiness and health for me and my offspring (whenever I'll have'em)!!!
Nothing else matters. Absolutely nothing.

go

2011-03-17T14:21:00.003+01:00

Feeling so sleepy and tired.
Weather is just what one may ask for a day like this: rainy, moody, grey... go to sleep, something is whispering in my ears... go and dive into your violet dreams... go and catch some stars above... go and swim upstream the river of your subconscious... go, go, go!

Mad love of women

2011-03-15T14:54:00.007+01:00

What one can do after "Dating Shabbaton" but watch some movie about romance. Who is the best at the movies like that? Drew Barrymore of course.

"Mad love" is the movie I have watched millions of times and never got sick of it. Year 1995 when Drew was totally off the hook - wild flower flashing David Letterman, going out with one of the members of the grungy "Hole", laughing out her guts and being the sweetest thing ever. I guess Chris O'Donell was all the opposite - sweet boy next door with angelic face and blond curls.
So they matched the picture perfectly.

Movie's great because was directed and written by women: you can see only women could have written romance like this; only women can have fantasy about swimming the river over to get the guy, only women could have written that woman can shoot her love if she feels she is losing him... And above it all only women believe that bipolar women are most attractive and lovable like that of Drew's character.
Don't we?

Would you go out?

2011-03-11T13:23:00.007+01:00

I haven't blogged properly last month, have I? I've been quite busy and probably will be busy for rest of my life. It is actually nice being busy with something that makes you happy although you know it is not only happiness, but challenge and working on yourself for ever.

My hair and nails have same colour right now. I am half ready for Shabbat. Still haven't figured out what to wear... eternal wonder of a woman.

Have I mentioned that Midrasha's having "Dating Shabbaton" and many girls have arrived for this Shabbat? Who wouldn't anyway? Title is so catchy for the girls. Every girl likes to know more about dating and talk about it with other girls, even the nutty ones like me. I hope we're gonna have fun tonight. Sometimes you like to hang out with the girls, talk about shallow things and laugh out your guts. I love my little Midrasha girlies, I really do.

Dating issue is one of the serious things in Orthodox Judaism, not shallow at all. It is to be called matchmaking actually. When you hear about your girlfriends' dating you may have fun and laugh about it, but when it comes to you then you realize there is nothing so funny actually. You get nervous and only way to hide your anxiety is to play very cool and casual; to go on a date in your least posh clothes and minimal make up - not forgetting sunny smile and wit though ;)
Well, I am the last person to give tips about Shidduch, trust me. Life is a movie, remember? Especially my life is like the movie and I've been feeling that everything one gets is what one wants and needs. Anyway, I always behave like a frum Dylan Sanders, giggling and joking all the time.
No matter whether it's Orthodox Shidduch or not - you have to feel free and comfortable not only with the person you go out but with yourself first. It is all about making each other feel open and wild, you know. Who would go out with someone that makes you tight and shy? Not me. Although I know there are different individuals, shy ones need shy dates, weirdos go out with creepy ones and everyone's happy. As long as everyone's happy and satisfied world goes on turning, and so the population is multiplying, thank G-d.

Be cool, girls! You too, boys! :)

Shabbat Shalom!

Have a swell week end: love, live and laugh, willya?

It's never over

2011-03-09T14:08:00.007+01:00

Oh, Lenny, Lenny... not that you are someone special or anything... it is all about your voice and sensual songs full of emotions, little teasing and smooth as hell; as if hell was supposed to be smooth. How can you tell what is hell like? Has anyone ever returned from there? There is no hell, people, no heaven either - it is all about wandering and wondering in and out of your head. Life's never over till it's REALLY over...

"Even the righteous suffer when G-d punishes the wicked" - Radak comments on this week's Haftarah and it is just about on time to comfort me.

Couple of the week

2011-03-03T13:27:00.000+01:00

The best on screen couple in the whole movie history: Kate and Leo, Leo and Kate!!!

Strawberry Marshmallows

2011-02-24T13:23:00.003+01:00

Февраль. Достать чернил и плакать!
Писать о феврале навзрыд,
Пока грохочущая слякоть
Весною черною горит.

My every February belongs to the Boris Pasternak mood. Every year I start with hope that this February is going to be better than the previous. It is better indeed. My life changes, my thoughts change, although cold February still comes and goes with the same strange feeling... there is some sweetness in life that I go on searching... there is something that keeps me warm and smily... there is something that gives me strength and I know I can also give it back: the hope, the grace, the love, the smile filled with strawberry marshmallow sweetness.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUN!

2011-02-22T08:51:00.008+01:00

My sweetest nutty has a birthday today. Drew Barrymore is turning 36. Amazing. She's exactly 10 years older than me. I grew up watching her movies and enjoying her smile. I think no other artist has influenced me so much as Drew. Because she has got it all: wit and smile that would rock your boat.

She had been there and seen it all. She has gone through troubles one can never imagine, but she never lost herself - she just laughed out her guts and kicked ass, didn't she? She has been most successful actress, producer and director of the new Hollywood generation. Drew is someone all the girls could strive for - funny, sunny and able to give love to the world.

Imagine me, some funny girl from tiny Georgia admiring Drew and being inspired by her. If she knew, she would be very proud and happy about it I am sure :)
Drew is like an old sister and a friend you could always turn to and tell things you would never tell to anyone else. Drew is like I am for Lila :) So funny because I have no closest friend than my cousin Lila and so has she. Drew is the sunny girl whose poster Lila and I still have in our room in the country house.

Happy Birthday, Drew! May you be healthy and blessed! Wishing you to have all you need! Keep smiling and shining through our eyes, will you?

Yellow soph_marine

2011-02-21T13:52:00.006+01:00

Yellow is the colour of my attitude not only today - sunny, bright and full of fun. No matter what is going on in my life I always try to find a positive thing about it. What else can I do anyway? Sit and cry my eyes out? NO!!! I am not that kind of girl depressing herself, I can be sad and low but as long as I see the sun through clouds I know there is always something to hold on.

Yesterday my day was not this yellow though: it was more lilac, let me put it this way. It was more like a surreal movie shot in one room and still much meaningful than it could have been in some open area. It was intense, hard to control or be completely natural - in the end of the day I felt like I had taken part in some psychological experiment where you are allowed to watch rare dessert and not touch while you are so damn hungry. Now I think how strong one still can be and capable to control oneself. I mean, it is the best thing you realize afterwards - there is nothing like working on yourself and being able to remain faithful to your principles.
That's why I love life because it sets so many challenges to me.

It is so sunny in Berlin I can go mad :) And I am wearing my yellow sweater and tights shining in and out the midrasha swaying to the Lambada rhythms and feeling unbelievable spiritual freedom. I wish I knew what I mean by this SPIRITUAL FREEDOM, I can just feel it.

Have a great yellow week full of Sunshine in your heart and mind!!!

How Beautiful We Are

2011-02-18T13:34:00.013+01:00

There is something about Romy, isn't there?

She might had not been the most beautiful woman or a sex symbol but she was this very cattish one: sweet, cute, with playful eyes and lovely neck. Neck is something that has to be beautiful and soft in woman. Neck is the best part of a body after ears of course.
Well, you know I always like actresses who kind of remind myself. So is Romy. I was very young when a friend of my mother said to me there was something of that Romy Schneider in me. I'll never forget that. Those words changed many things for me. Little girls always need some encouragement to have confidence in the way they look and since then I've always had enough confidence and satisfaction about mine.

I believe it is important that every mother tells her daughter how beautiful and intellectually capable she is. Life is going to be tough enough and lack of self confidence may become a hard issue for a person. Not only the girls, I know my teenage nephew who also needs to be told how smart and handsome he is; my aunt has been grateful for I can easily communicate with her teenage grandchildren just being there and listening without judging. No matter whether you are somebody's mother or not - just say positive things to people, encourage them, tell them how beautiful and great they are because nothing makes the world stronger and nicer than the kind words coming out from one's mouth.
What goes around comes around, remember? Multiply kindness and have fun! Life is what we make of it.

Boy! Sometimes I feel so full of love and energy I think I may explode and destroy the world. I would be the first world destroyer by loving, so good, I should be thinking about it more... Водопад - just like my sweet teenage friend is, no?

Anyways, we are all beautiful and nice as long as we want to be so, don't we?

Have a great Shabbes!!! Enjoy week end!

Live, laugh and be good, everybody!!!

Thanks to Romy Schneider (my mother and her friend as well) for inspiring and giving me confidence to be what I am.

Sophie's Thursday

2011-02-17T23:41:00.005+01:00

I love Thursdays.
Sometimes I don't.
Usually I do.

Oh, on Thursdays I am a chesed girl which means I go to the particular family of our community in the evening and help to cook for Shabbat. I am the least person fond of cooking but anyways I can make nice things. I made choux pastry and apple kugel at the Smith's today. I have been eager to learn cooking lately actually, I would like to feed my husband well one day. I think when you care about someone you can go over your limits and try to work on the skills you never cared about before.
Life is amazing, isn't it?

Forget that.
I still love Thursday.
It is last day of the working/studying week for me. It means after chesed I can grab a beer, peanuts and have some time with myself sitting, listening to Melanie C and watch some movie after.

Beck's gold has done its job... see you when I'm sober ;) :D

Quote of Wednesday

2011-02-09T14:28:00.004+01:00

I'm pretty, but not beautiful
I sin, but I'm not the Devil
I'm good, but I'm not an angel

Marilyn Monroe

Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind

2011-02-08T15:16:00.012+01:00

No doubt this movie is special because Drew Barrymore stars in it and who cares if George Clooney has directed it and it is based on memoirs of the CIA hitman. Sam Rockwell is also someone who can rock one's boat, but not mine. I have never been into guys like him - blondish showmen, you know.

Drew's character Penny is really something I'd like to talk about. It's unbelievable there is so much common between us. She is funny, loves to laugh and says witty phrases all the time; plus has this loyal character which made her to be very committed to Chuck (Rockwell's character); she believes in him and supports him. Penny is also searching and loves adventures, she changes her attitude from 50's woman to the 60's hippie flower child, then again 70's elegant lady. But by the end of the day she's just a woman who needs to be treated gently and be loved madly.

All right, I vote this movie 6/10 because there are lots of violence scenes which have never impressed me. The actors performance is quite distinguished and interesting. You can't take away the talent of George Clooney who definitely knows how to make movies. I also liked the atmosphere of the time period, plus Drew and Sam have also this weird chemistry between them after "Charlie's Angels" which makes you like them more and more.
One more reason to wonder what is this chemistry all about? You know what I mean? Sometimes you just click on someone and feel that you've got it right.
I actually know the reason of the chemistry thing; it definitely comes from one's childhood, education and other social issues. Although no social issues can have impact on a person without specific circumstances which happen purposely even if you don't think about it.
I know because I am living this "specific circumstance" right now.
I have got pretty 'dangerous' mind, haven't I? :)

Have a nice time watching the "Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind" and falling in love with Drew's sweet strawberry smile (Sam Rockwell's kinda hot too).

אין זמן תחת השמש

2011-02-03T12:58:00.006+01:00

This morning slipped away from me...
Woke up and felt the non-existed sun on my shoulders.
Cinnamon tea gave my life back and I opened up the window to the world.
The world is cinnamon today.
It is like Aviv Geffen singing there is no time under the sun for wars and fights...

I had a feeling there was someone waiting for me behind the door. Someone sitting, reading and knowing I would soon wake up and smile.

It is as if I've been writing a book about myself, and this book is nothing but reminiscences of light. Do you know what I mean? The book of dreams and somnambulism, orange and violet shadows of me... This book is so scary sometimes full of emotions, weakness, roughness and then suddenly there comes the שמש, my very own שמש and I am happy because I am the שמש, I am.

No time under the sun.

First Thursday of February. First Thursday February afternoon and the "שמש" sipping her cinnamon tea is looking through the clouds hoping for the real sun to shine out.

Unappeased yearning to return

2011-02-02T10:59:00.007+01:00

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.

Milan Kundera ("Ignorance")

Yes, I've been there. I've been to Prague - the city of melancholy, writers, lost artists, beautiful people, golden beer and me. I was there and did not even see Milan Kundera. I was there and could not even tell anyone how much this means to me, how happy I was being there and breathing the same cold air with my dear book characters. I grew up reading about these people, I felt what Kundera felt, I was dreaming about them back home in Tbilisi sitting on my orange couch, reading, reading and then writing endlessly... This trip was most nostalgic and sad for me. Prague reminded me of Tbilisi a little and made me realize that I am lonely. Lonely in sense of belonging to no place, finding no serenity anywhere and always fading.

This journey showed me who I really am, and it scared me.
In a good way though. I am a human. Oh, so human.

The friend of mine tried to realize why was I sad and felt so odd. I could not tell. Sometimes I become numb. I only feel what I feel and cannot explain.

I just need to know there are eyes caring about me.
Eyes. Hands. Mind. Heart. Soul and everything. Everything. I need to have it all.
It is not only about Prague - it is about me and my state of mind.

El Mar

2011-01-27T13:51:00.008+01:00

Life has to be blue like the Mediterranean.
Greeks say, the Aegean sea is like a butter - soft and still. All you have to do to close your eyes and let your body free in its waves... I dream of the sea very often and it is the only thing I will miss for ever.

What makes one appreciate the beauty of G-d's creation, what is beauty anyway?
Beauty lies in the sea, in its bluest waves, in the clearest sky, in the shiniest sun rising and setting. You sit by the sea and feel golden rays on your shoulders, on your face and keep smiling. It is burning and leaving freckles on your nose but you still sit there, smile and feel the smell of your sunburned skin... You are becoming one with the sea, the sun, the sky...

Mar Adentro is a movie by Alejandro Amenabar, Chile born director with passionate spirit and melancholic view I would say. I imagine him as one of the lonesome characters from Marquez's novels... There is one remarkable scene in the movie - flying over the green forests, mountains, rivers, feeling the horizon, breathing fresh air and achieving the "highest" point - the sea, the blue giant with most marvelous shape and colour in the world. Not only you see, but feel and realize that it is the sea inside making you move and live, it is the sea blustering in your veins, running through your blood and your heart trying to jump out the chest.

This is my sea, the sea inside me.
El Mar.
Mar adentro.

Hey, Jude, Refrain!

2011-01-26T14:59:00.000+01:00

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey, Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey, Jude! Don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude,
You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Take a breath

2011-01-25T14:12:00.004+01:00

Voice is not back yet, but attitude is better. I woke up this morning hoping that would be able to speak but still could not. I felt like I could talk really, throat was not sore anymore, but my voice still harsh.

Trying to write a letter (a real letter) to a friend who cheered me up yesterday, read stories to me and I felt like I was little sick child who is so lonely and away home; only thing that makes her happy is a "radio" with dear voice. I wanted to say how happy I was and how safe I felt listening to it. It is unbelievable when you don't need to speak but listen and let it be.
So I decided to write a letter and have even started when one girl came into my room and wanted to talk, asked loads of questions of course. Why do people always try to get something out of you even if you can't talk? They just love to know all about others' lives, don't they?
And why am I so indifferent about others' lives? Does it make me too self-centered? Maybe it does. I don't want to know what others do, how they live - it is all up to them. I love people the way they are and I don't want to dig in their minds. I want to live my own life without manuals if you know what I mean. I actually do. Who could have thought that I would have lost my voice and someone would read stories to me? What kind of manual could have predicted that anyway?..

I suddenly miss Lila - my cousin and best friend. I miss how we used to sit in my kitchen - she would drink coffee and I - tea. We would talk about kinky things, about boys, love, music, movies. We would laugh and be happy. I would love to sit with her in any kitchen now and talk till midnight.
It's like my friend often says that nothing is like just talking about simple things.

Drop the philosophy, live life and laugh.

I love you, Lila.
And thinking of you, dear friend of mine.

Lost In Silence

2011-01-24T12:39:00.008+01:00

Mary Pickford (the silent movie star) - muse of the day

I have lost my voice completely. I am so sore and sad. I feel like the world is crashing down on me. I can't talk. I can only whisper and feel like that girl from Hans Christian Andersen's story who had to keep quiet and knit nettle jumpers for her bewitched brothers.

I know there must be some reason of my losing voice but I just can't think of it. What does my subconscious wants to say? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

I was so happy yesterday, and grateful to G-d for everything. Today I also realize and thank Hashem even more for how much He has given me even though my voice is taken away.
If only you could imagine how it feels.
I am not that free after all, am I? I can't even breathe and talk as I would like to. Life is so ironic, so tough and rough. And people are even worse, asking slyly: Oh, Sophie, who were you shouting at yesterday that your voice got lost? Isn't that just mean and f-ing nasty? Everyone thinks they should know all about your life so then they can discuss about it. I am so mad. I am. I cannot even give my witty replies to them. Only one who does not ask questions is my room-mate Liora, she just gave me medicines and showed me she's there for me.

Actually it is very good lesson for me which will teach me patience, keeping silent and being humble.
So take it easy, Soph, just smile and be happy because everything is for good. Your voice will be back on time and you'll have so much wisdom you won't need to lose it again - be patient and nice!

Listening to ''The Goo Goo Dolls".

Viva El Tango

2011-01-20T15:44:00.003+01:00

Tango!!!
Oh, how I love it! No matter fast or slow. Classic or modern. Just let me take over the dance floor, willya?

Love, Health, Tennis

2011-01-19T01:21:00.013+01:00

I love health. I love healthy people. I love healthy food. I love healthy attitude.
The SUN is healthy. The nature is healthy. The Water is healthy.

TENNIS IS HEALTHY.

Gosh, how I adore these suntanned players with their individual characters, strength and even weaknesses. Just check out:

Rafael Nadal and Kim Clijsters

90's beauties Martina Hingis and Anna Kournikova

Little Miss Sunshine: Caroline Wozniacki

Tough and rough Serena Williams

Athletic beauty Jelena Jankovich

Screamer Maria Sharapova

Last but definitely not least: Roger Federer - strong, smart, funny and true gentleman

Grey Berlin and the movie life

2011-01-18T13:14:00.008+01:00

Marilyn's pictures always inspire me. I'd love to think that I am her reincarnation in a way. At least I believe I have the little piece of her soul in me.

I had the best week end in Leipzig full of fun, emotions and alcohol. What else does a girl like me need?
Shabbat was amazing, very well organized. The Khabinsky family just swell. Went for bowling although my bowling skills not that swell. I had fun though. I liked to be there where my people were.
Visited the coffee museum on Sunday and wrote a note in a guest book. In Georgian :) I wrote that life is a movie, especially my life and I wish it remains that way: beautiful, challenging, and sweet. So is coffee, no?

Berlin is grey today. Grey and sleepy.

My friend texted me this morning. It is so nice to know how one feels, probably because I kind of felt that way too. Sometimes I am scared to show off my emotions, but then I remind myself I should not be embarrassed about my feelings and be free. I am free. Right? You are, Sophie. Thank you, friend of mine :)

My dear Robergs got back in Berlin and it makes me happy. Rabbi Roberg gave a shiur this morning. He has cold, I am so worried about him. He looked tired and pale. My heart really hurt. He is like my grandpa you know, he has supported me in many things, and has always shown he and rebbetzin are always there for me. So I felt like it is my very close person ill and weak, and I can't help with anything. I wish I could tell him how I love and respect him, I am sure he knows that anyway.

Gosh. This Tuesday blues is so funny and melancholic at the same time. Weird, isn't it? Not only Mondays, Tuesdays can be blue too.
All I ask for is - no more snow, G-d, please!!! I can't take any more cold, really. Let the Spring come and embrace me!

Sugar

2011-01-16T21:59:00.006+01:00

I adore this very scene from the "Some like it hot" when Marilyn's wishing Daphne good night saying: Good Night, HONEY!!! She pronounces HONEY so sweetly, I want to be her really. Oh, Marilyn, how adorable and sensual you were!!!

Good night, Honey!..

Childhood friend

2011-01-13T14:45:00.010+01:00

Под копни волос проникнет ли удар?
Мысль
одна под волосища вложена:
"Причесиваться? Зачем же?!
На время не стоит труда,
а вечно
причесанным быть
невозможно".

I wish I could translate this poem of Vladimir Mayakovsky in English. I used to translate some of his lyrics in Georgian when I was sophomore at university. Maybe I will one day. This one is about why combing one's hair when you can't remain combed forever... it is all about you, what's in your head. At least that's what I think Mayakovsky meant.

I have been connected to Mayakovsky since childhood - the office where my mother worked was facing his huge monument. He was standing there in the rain and sunshine with his strict face, big feet and with the cloud in his pants I guess (облако в штанах). And I was walking by him everyday after school, thinking whether it was his hat around his head or his hair. Now I believe it was the hat.
There is nothing like childhood memories, is there? Probably that's when my love to Russian poetry began and I was meant to live this life of wanderer, searching for the truth. What else is poetry than searching on and on.

Mayakovsky was born in Georgia indeed. I guess that's why he had got this bold attitude. Ok, I have this little nationalist thing about my country, but face it - Georgia is this tiny winy country caught in the middle between huge Russia and Turkey, and still lots of famous and talented people were born there, who excelled in arts, politics and etc. So there is something about the land even if you were just born there you have got passion and attitude in your bones.
If so, one may ask, why did Mayakovsky and I leave that country in the end? Perhaps we wanted to miss it more, to feel it more and to dream of it in our violet dreams.

Honestly, life is very prosaic as my mother loved to say when I was younger, and I never understood it. Life is what you make it. Life is yours, only yours. It is not about poetry or proses, it is about individuals - sunshine and thunder.
My life is not that. It is a movie :)

Put the kettle on

2011-01-12T21:15:00.005+01:00

I love this poster.
I've been thinking today if I can keep calm. I actually can only when I am sleeping. Really. Sometimes I wake up and think how nice I am when I am asleep and no crazy thoughts bug my mind. I took an afternoon nap today because did not sleep well last night, and before I fell asleep I was thinking how small I am comparing to the huge universe, all those stars and planets around. And still, I have my own world, my own place and space to dwell, to close my eyes and fade if you know what I mean.

What about putting the kettle on? Yes, we all need to drink some tea and speak about poetry as Georgian painter Niko Pirosmani would have said. Poor one. He was a drunkard all right, sold all he had got and painted, painted as much as he could. He was a primitive painter they say; he had soul I would say. Only man with soul can dream about drinking tea and talking about poetry while he is homeless, moneyless and favourite woman does not give a damn about him.

So screw the tea, crash the kettle, be emotional, do not mind being embarrassed. Life is too short for tea, we should all be drinking wine and making love. Well, this approach does not belong to Niko Pirosmani definitely, it is damn Greek philosophy ruling over the world.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I am this mixture of body and soul, loving tea and wine at the same time, admiring poetry and love, embarrassing herself often but feeling happy because this is me, this is my life and I love it. Even when I am not calm and don't put the kettle on, you know.

Good Night You All!

Quote of Tuesday

2011-01-11T13:58:00.002+01:00

Woman is a kaleidoscope of emotions.

Talya Rose

Baltics

2011-01-09T20:40:00.008+01:00

Мы эмигранты
И грустны и странны
Наша дорога бесконечна
Найти и снова
потерять
Наша дорога бесконечна

My teenage friend Rebekka just shared Alina Orlova's videos. She is so cute. I mean Rebekka, and Alina too. They are both from Lithuania :) have curly hair, beautiful eyes and free spirit. I don't know there is something about Baltic people. They have this unexplainable melancholy mixed with cold beauty that makes you fall for them. And actually they both, Rebekka and Alina, have this funny accent in Russian. I never thought I would say this because my accent is not less funny, especially the way I pronounce some specific letters.

It's also funny I have never mentioned before on my blogs that my grandmother from father's side was Estonian. I have never met her for she died while giving birth to my father. Yep. My father has been in trouble since he was born. Trouble man. It must be terrible if you realize that your mother died having you, no?
Although I have always imagined her, the grandmother I've never met, as tall, skinny woman with big green eyes, blonde or reddish hair, wearing vintage dress and walking on the sun... her face glowing and eyes dreaming about seeing me - her granddaughter she never really saw. It's funny, I suppose I've been imagining her as the young and lovely woman, why would she dream about me anyway? I think every girl has thought about her grandchildren even once in a lifetime. We all would like to imagine having grandchildren one day who will look like us a little, who will remember us, who will dream of us and say sweet things about us. I cannot say if I look like my grandmother, even though I used to have strawberry blonde hair as a child.

Life is just as that song of Alina's - "emigrants". So realistic. Sometimes I feel like I am this eternal wanderer - dwelling here and there, looking for a place and space to find serenity.

If only

2011-01-08T23:11:00.007+01:00

"If I survive this Winter,
If only the wind lets me live" - this is my translation of the famous Georgian poet's lines. I think it is absolutely about me. German winter is too long for my sunny soul. You know I am so fond of walking, but how can I walk in this cold? Having sore nose and coughing forever I guess. I dream about the Spring - warm rays of the sun, green leaves on the trees, putting away the winter coat, boots and run to embrace the new season.
Merde! I am such a drama queen who is rather good comedian if you know what I mean.
No Spring two more months at least, Soph.

Drop the Winter.
Today when rebbetzin Ziskind from England gave a shiur I realized that people are so stupid. So am I sometimes. We have absolutely wrong attitudes - we label things, we label people, we label everything we can. It is kind of funny that I have mentioned ATTITUDE in my last update too and today's shiur was also about attitude. It is so important you know - how you look at things and how you look at yourself too. Well, I looked at myself today and said: Hey, you, sunny, funny, witty one, just stop and enjoy life! Because life is much more than you think - it is hard and sweet at the same time; you are surrounded by lovely and caring people; you have all you need so far. You just love troubling yourself, worrying and crying your heart out. Relax!
Yes, sometimes I can be really nutty and it even helps.

So - I will definitely survive this Winter. I am going to have good attitude about everything.

שבוע טוב!!!

World in a different shape

2011-01-07T00:29:00.004+01:00

I posted few hours ago and now I feel so calm, it is unbelievable. My mood is totally depended on the moon you know, now it's Rosh Chodesh have that in mind.

Went to the Smiths today, my chessed family, sweetest and nicest people ever. Rabbi Smith is a rosh yeshiva - the smartest man I've ever seen, calm and nice as well. And rebbetzin is as dear as it could be. Gosh. Will I ever achieve that level of bitachon and serenity? I told her I feel very nervous about various things, and find so difficult to relax and just believe everything is going to be all right with Hashem's help even though I am sure it will. I still worry and think about it. She just smiled and said that everything we do is from G-d, even the mistakes are helpful; one grows so much from them, becomes better person (ideally). She really calmed me down. Then her children started to cry and she just handled them with smile and asked with sweet voice to go to sleep. They have three small kids who I absolutely adore and learn so much from them. I mean the way rebbetzin Smith treats her children is amazing - she never raises a voice, lets them have fun and go little wild. I love that. I love when parents let their children to enjoy their childhood. She actually told me that she believes - when they grow up they should remember how nice their childhood was and how free they have been.

I also believe in that you should bring up your children very relaxed, let them be free and wild. I mean, life is going to be hard enough once they are old so why set limits? I hope and pray to be able to have children like that - healthy and happy. I will let them go crazy, get soaked wet, eat cakes with hands and laugh a lot. Seriously, when I hold baby Yedidia Smith in my arms I realize that I am going to be most cool and funny mother ever.

Yes, everyone needs family and children to feel complete. And an ATTITUDE. Attitude and ability to love and be loved you know. Had a conversation with Michal Garrett recently, she is this young American woman I am friends with, plus she teaches at the midrasha, and we came to conclusion that love is necessary. Nothing can be built up only on rational decisions, you need to feel and care about the person you marry. You need to talk and be free, be open with each other. Man. This is the most important relationship in the world - anything else just gets behind.

Life is amazing after all, isn't it? You just go out, meet people, talk to them and see the world in a different shape.

Made of

2011-01-06T19:22:00.004+01:00

Sometimes I feel like this angry teenager who is ready to crash it all, to rebel against everything, to screw all the rules and run away... then this very old and matured lady comes within me and calms me down because anger won't lead me anywhere. Who should I be angry at anyway? At life? At my parents? At me? Or at G-d? It is all so relative.
I mean they are all related to each other - life, parents, me and G-d. That is all I am made of, ain't I? And I am not talking about specific anger or anything, no it is just things that I wish I could do but I cannot. I feel like a stranger in my own body walking and talking. Perhaps it is the mission I have come to this world for - to be against the system, looking for truth and thinking my brains out.

I am afraid of life. I think I don't understand it at all.

Monday chicken

2011-01-03T15:05:00.008+01:00

Who said that French is the language of love? It is Greek - language of έρωτα. Language to tell sweet things to your dear people. No other language expresses love more than this one. Who would tell you that: You are "αναπνοή μου" (my breath) or "ψυχή μου" (my soul)?

I found this blog the other day and fell in love immediately. I love the way she writes (I believe it is she) and shares her thoughts to the world. You may have no idea how inspiring it is to know that there is someone little bit like you, who likes the Gotan Project, poetry and has been collecting emotions since she was a kid: "...από παιδάκι μαζεύω, μαζεύω,".

One and only Romy Schneider

How is my "sunny funny witty" life?

I had a dream last night that I was Romy Schneider trying to catch the train. My dreams are so semi-fictional.
Before I went to sleep Lea called me from Israel, my old sweet Georgian friend. So nice when you receive calls like that. And after talking to her I could not sleep for hours. I hope she will be fine and all her dreams come true.
The midrasha has started today officially - still lots of girls haven't come back yet.
Weather is ok which means not very cold for Berlin.
I hurt my foot, don't know how though - one good reason to feel emotional and cry my heart out. Moonlight is over me I guess.
Had chicken for dinner, most tasteless chicken I have ever eaten. I think she used to be the vegan chicken really, did not taste like meat at all. I mean very sensitive chicken.

I guess I hate Mondays. They make me feel so sad. New working week has started and all I want to do is to smell the sea, see the sun and drink the juice of mango. Or hide under the blanket and sleep like a baby bear until it is Summer and the light warms me up.

Blood and bones

2011-01-02T19:06:00.008+01:00

I got this book "Beaufort" from my Israeli friend who has served in the army for two years. She is from Georgia like myself, has made aliyah with her family when she was 13. She is true Israeli by now who knows her land by heart and is proud that had served for her country.
Although "Beaufort" is not about the suntanned girls serving in the IDF. This book is about the war without specific enemy: terrorism. What is this terrorism anyway and what are they shedding their blood for?
Well, I am not going to spoil and tell you the plot of the book. There is also a movie based on this novel.
I just want to share my emotions.

I have always thought that soldiers are just some wasted flesh used by government to protect its own arse. I still think so, but when I remember those soldiers truly madly believing in what they do and how they adore their land, then I understand it is not about the government crap, it is about your blood and bones - which is the land of Israel. I am not that Zionist madgirl, but when it comes to those brave men I cannot stop admiring them. Especially the main character of this book is so tough, emotional and gentle when it comes to his sister or girlfriend. Sure, I know that is just fiction, but very beautiful fiction indeed.
Or maybe I am Zionist [at least I like guys wearing crochet-kippah and jeans :)) ]. Oh my goodness. Women are so contradictious, aren't we?

I wish I could share this book with someone and now I am thinking who can borrow it from me. Rebekka - definitely, but this book is not quite kosher for 15 years old girl if you know what I mean, there are lots of lovemaking stuff in it, plus dirty language all the time. I am sure she would get it but I don't want to put some crazy ideas into her head.

Every book has its smell, have you noticed? This book smells like the sand mixed with love of your land, and people who breathe for it. I keep smelling it.

Blue-eyed Uncle

2011-01-01T23:14:00.007+01:00

Last night was THE night. I went to sleep at 7 pm. Then woke up at 12 I guess when year 2011 was about to enter the world. Heard those crazy fireworks but did not even bother to get up and look out the window.

After that tried to sleep but could not for hours. I suddenly recalled all my extraordinary uncles and aunts. I have an amazing uncle really. The youngest brother of my mother. He is not quite young, he's 50 but very cool. One friend reminded me about Ping Pong game and that is why I remembered him probably. I used to play ping pong with him, and I actually always won, then he would smile with his blue eyes and say: Soph, I'll be lucky in love though. I am telling you he's funny. What love? He has grown up sons and beautiful wife. Anyway he is always eager for love I guess. I mean he does everything with his heart and soul. Sometimes I think that my crazy sense of humour is all from him. Plus he looks like my mother very much - with his big blue eyes and lovely smile, and humour just like me: you never know when he jokes and when he really means it.

I guess I felt little loneliness last night that is why I tried to escape in my adolescence and thought about my family. I have been very independent since I was little kid with reddish hair, everyone would ask my opinion and then I just grew out from all of them. I decided to live different life of a religious Jew. And left them behind. Now when I imagine that I cannot eat my uncle's fried potatoes or I need to check how he makes yogurt, it hurts me a bit.

Then I realize that it is just childhood I miss, you know, when I was this wild girl running and laughing her guts out hoping she would become someone really great. It is crazy to put such ideas into little girl's head that she should be someone great when she grows up no matter what. And what if this girl does not want to be someone great at all but just be a sweet wife and mother. Is it too old fashioned? I know people who think so.

You know what my uncle told me once? That I will be great in anything I do even if I just smile and make someone's day. He himself is crazy, funny and sometimes blue too, but he always knows how to cheer me up and make me feel good about myself. I think this is the point when you understand that someone really loves you - makes you feel good about yourself and inspires you to become even better.

Languages He understands

2010-12-31T11:07:00.007+01:00

(This photo has nothing to do with the post, I just feel like Julie Delpy)

Last update for the year 2010.

Some celebrate New Year and I will celebrate Shabbat tonight. The day of the week when everything stops and all is dedicated to G-d, family and dear people. I don't know what would I be doing without Shabbat, and I cannot either think how I used to live without it. It's the day when I forget about mundane problems and stay alone with Hashem. That's when I can talk to Him openly and tell how I feel, what I want and where I want to be. It is also funny that I always speak to G-d in Georgian when I am sad, in Russian when I am mad, and in English when I feel lonely. He knows every language as you might have guessed.
Although it does not always work that way. Sometimes I do not speak to Him on Shabbat. Because I sleep and sleep all the time, especially if I am sad and blue.

It is not about talking, you know.
Or maybe it is.
It is.
Yes.
Sometimes you need to speak I can't fight it, can I?

Anyways.
I just have decided that I am fictional diarist and that is the genre I'd like to take for my writing. I mean I have already taken it for most of my stories are like diaries.
Wish me luck so my book shall be published soon.

To teenagers and old people

2010-12-30T06:21:00.004+01:00

I love waking up when everyone else is asleep. Then I can come downstairs, drink my milk coffee and look out the window.
So quiet and dark.
5:56 am.

My teenage friend Rebekka saw the movie "Into The Wild" and was full of emotions, impressions yesterday. She asked me if it's true that "Happiness is only real when shared"? I suddenly realized that yes, that's what it is actually.
I've been asked what is the stable character trait I've got, I hesitated a little and answered, that it is optimism that I never lose.
Not only optimism.
Empathy.
And now Rebekka actually made me think that I am only happy if my friends, my fellow Jews are happy. Not only Jews really. How can I be happy if my old Kurdish neighbour in Georgia is miserable? Or how can I rejoice if I knew my Georgian childhood friend was unhappy?

Man is not an island, is it?

I am so influenced by the media even though I try to resist.
Yesterday I was thinking how I hate fur and diamonds. So many animals and children are killed because of those luxurious things. Once I told this to my eldest cousin and she looked at me worried: "Sophie, you cannot feed the whole world. Don't think so much."
I can't. Compassion is in my blood.
Remember, I have often said that I wish I was shallower and little stupid girl for my life would have been much easier? I never really meant it. Because it would have never been real me if I were happy-go-lucky with the world vanity.

Thank you, Rebekka Averbach, for that. Now when my mum asks me why do teenagers and old people love me so much, I know what to answer: Ma, it's because I share their happiness as well as their misery.

Argentina dreams. La razon de la Vida

2010-12-29T11:39:00.012+01:00

Water Dream by Thomas Neil

What we had in common - our restlessness, our impassioned spirits, and a love for the open road.

Ernesto Che Guevara "Motorcycle Diaries"

Argentina. Buenos Aires.
I had a dream last night. Not realistic at all if you compare sunny Argentina to snowy and freezing Germany where I've been living almost a year.
It is all about Che Guevara who is one of my favourite people who have really inspired me to have free spirit, be not afraid of obstacles, don't rest while I am alive and go for it. Frida Kahlo would have also advised me that: Viva La Vida. No?
Isn't it amazing that these South Americans have such desire for life, love and everything that is worth to be in this world? Even though their economy is terrible, corruption and drug business is blossoming. They still do not give up: dance, sing and believe in positivity.

Whenever I feel solitude I write letters to Che Guevara and Klara Zetkin. Probably because there will be no answer back, plus I know there is some part of them in me I could trust. And it is so symbolic that one is from Argentina and the other - from Germany. My life is so full of specific reasons, isn't it? I wish I could name it somehow: "La Razon De La Vida Del Sol"?

Yesterday when I was walking in the snow and got frozen all over, I was thinking, merde, do I have to die so young and restless just from the cold? I exaggerated a bit, all right.
Although it does not even matter if you die as long as you know the reason of it. Reason you are dead because of searching for something real and FUN.

God took the stars

2010-12-27T12:59:00.001+01:00

This song got my heart and soul.

Lemon tea and Torah portion

2010-12-26T11:07:00.004+01:00

One more Sunday. What a miracle :)

Just finished my second cup of lemon tea and Torah portion. I did not know that some commentators translate צפרדע as a crocodile. I still prefer classic Rashi, plus frogs are my favourite animals or whatever you call them. What I mostly like is that all the Jewish prophets were human which gives us strength to strive to become like them. I remember rabbi Halpern telling us that Torah is a life book with ordinary people who have suffered, loved, experienced all kind of human feelings which shows us they were no divine creatures. We are same, aren't we? Sometimes I feel so connected to those people I see beautiful and wise Sarah smiling at her baby son or my favourite Jacob blessing his grandchildren like his own.

Berlin is as snowy as it can be. Freezing and my street is empty after holiday.
By the way I was thinking yesterday how lucky Jesus is to have so many people to celebrate his birthday. I would like to talk to him actually, he must have been charismatic personality indeed. Or his lobbyist Saul-Paul was at least. Anyway, it is good if people really believe in values like loving and helping each other, appreciating one G-d and His creation. I like life and the world because of its colourfulness of religions, traditions, cultures. I cannot imagine world without them all.

To resume with my favourite rabbi Halpern's words again, one should never be embarrassed to show its kindness, love and gratefulness to people, and to Hashem for sure. And SMILE! Not just smile, but smile with all your heart and mind. Rather laugh, laugh out your guts because life is what you make it.

I capture the castle

2010-12-21T09:06:00.009+01:00

The movie I've recently seen is this British drama "I capture the castle" with Romola Garai and Rose Byrne in it. Natalia recommended it to me for she knows how much I adore Romola. But I should say that in this case I liked Rose Byrne more. I think it is one of her good roles and she fits so well into this shallow and silly character of Rose Mortmain. Romola was less sympathetic in this movie probably because she played teenage girl even though she has always looked much older, and is indeed more matured than her older sister. I also did not click to Henry Thomas - who will always remain the "E.T" sweet boy. He looks like an old youngster which is kind of scary.

I loved Bill Nighy though. He is something and Britain should be proud of him. He's got very fascinating, extraordinary character which makes everyone watch his movies.

Still movie was worth to see for beautiful green scenery, Romola's inspiring radio voice, redhead Rose Byrne, their crazy stepmother and music which makes it easier in the end.

Quote of the day

2010-12-18T22:19:00.005+01:00

"Yeah, life's too short. We have to love each other."

Drew Barrymore

With Justin Long

Drew and Courtney Love

Drew with the sweet "Grey's anatomy's" cast

Penelope Cruz and Drew

Fitzwilliam, you silly moody bum!

2010-12-16T21:05:00.013+01:00

Elizabeth Bennet By Colleen Coover

One man's ways may be as good as another's, but we all like our own best.

Jane Austen

Happy Birthday, dear Jane!!! You're 235 now and I am 25, what a nice age to sit and talk about it. We could've drunk some tea and laughed about silly men.
I've been told I am like Elizabeth Bennet :/ I kinda like it and not very much at the same time. She was not an easy one, was she? With her unusual attitude, wit and irony. I am not ironic, I try not to be at least, I just can't stop being honest. And Mr. Darcy is being quite harsh on me too. He never smiles and pretends he's not looking at me whenever I turn to him. Boy. Life is so complicated and people just love to make it even more so. Don't even dare to tell me, oh, it is supposed to be that way, what did you expect? I hate that. What did I expect? Fun, Sun and Love. Didn't you?

I think this Shabbat is going to be little boring for me because of Rebekka, the friend of mine, will not be able to be there :/ I am not excited at all. I hope tomorrow will feel better, but right now listening to 'the Goo Goo Dolls' and the world feels so far away from me.
I think I am having some kind of nervous breakdown today, ain't I? Sometimes I feel that life is not fair. Not fair at all. And I am going to do something about it. I cannot sit still and wait for fate you know. I need to get up and walk like Elizabeth Bennet used to do. I need to be there where justice and truth are!

Crazy lioness in Leipzig

2010-12-11T22:19:00.006+01:00

This Shabbat I spent in Leipzig with the other Midrasha girls. It was assfreezing cold as I call it. Before the train came Liora and I were running up and down the stairs to keep warm. Plus we had woken up at 6 in order to get at the train station on time so you can imagine how much colder we felt. Anyway.
The story goes like this: It takes an hour to get to Leipzig. It was freezing cold (I know I've already said it but can't stop really) and the snow unbearable. We left our luggage at the youth centre where we were to stay for Shabbat and head to the Panoramic Museum. This museum is outstanding (my new favourite word), staff very smily and friendly, I even practiced my German with one of them. Oh, and what we saw was Amazonia - giant trees, millions of species of butterflies which live in the Amazon jungles, different plants and flowers, my lovely poisonous frogs, bugs and all you could wish. Amazonia became my place to go for honeymoon. No kidding. Who can be better to go there with but your husband anyway?

As for Shabbat - it was nice as usual. We had lots of laugh, nice food, singing and little melancholy. I always feel melancholy wherever I go. I mean, sometimes I just can't explain my feelings. Torah does explain it all, but I am not in the mood to write about it. This melancholy will last until I am with THE person who I can be silent with and not talk. Talking spoils it all I believe. Why should we speak and show off our intellect, our knowledge in this and that, wouldn't it be nicer to look at each other, smile and go to Amazonia?

Found this photo of Drew Barrymore which is from one of her best movies "Grey Gardens" and it just reminded myself getting back from Leipzig, looking out the train window and wondering, where am I going and who am I? Am I ever going to answer these questions? I really, truly long for Mashiach to come. This eternal wandering (you can read it as wOndering as well) is killing me.

Have a good week!!! Never mind what I write here, I'll be just fine in a minute. I am this crazy lioness who groans and roars, but in the end of the day turns into sweet and caring one sitting on the couch :)

Guard the portals of your mouth

2010-12-08T15:54:00.005+01:00

My previous post was so crybabyish, oh, nobody remembered my birthday, nobody did this, nobody did that. Actually they did afterwards :-) Sarah Nachum bought me a funny lovely green hat, Miriam got an English-Deutsch Wörterbuch for me, so in a year's time I should be very fluent in German (that's my goal), then Rina left chocolates and lovely note in my room. I am glad because they did it without reading my blog. Oh, last but not least, this lovely Israeli girl Yifat who takes amazing pictures screamed "Happy Birthday" to me in her little town Wismar :-) Yes life is worth it after all.

Photo by Yifat Ouzan

I got an e-mail today from Ita, my teacher, she sent me very interesting article about the power of speech and silence as well. Here's the quote from that article I loved it very much: "From that which lies within your bosom [i.e. your soul], guard the portals of your mouth" (Michah 7:5). I definitely needed this quote of Michah to understand that I cannot and should not say anything is in my heart or soul. We live in such difficult times that we are told by everyone we should speak out our minds and all, but in reality one should always keep something to prevent hurting someone afterwards. You know why have I come to this? After reading my previous post I realized that I am not perfect myself and might sometimes hurt others, or forget things. Or G-d just wanted to show me how sad it is to feel lonely so I should never, NEVER, forget to care about others. Lesson is learned, dear Hashem. Thanks for that. And thanks to all the girls for cheering me up the other day.

And it snows like has never snowed before...

Drop that juice!

2010-12-06T15:49:00.006+01:00

Drop that juice, baby!

I love myself so much that believe others do so too.
Freak.
I sat and cried like a baby because nobody gave a single bloody birthday card to me today. Nobody tried to write on some lousy paper just saying, have fun, Soph, love you and stick it on my door. It's not that I am so desperately in need of some human recognition. No, I am in desperate need of some f-ing love because I always love others. I know life is not causal at all and not everyone grew up reading Salinger and Freud. I know that, I wish I did not though. My life would have been much easier and shallower.

I am happy. Really. It'll pass in an hour because I believe in what I do and not what others do. In other words, I'll keep on.

So, no orange juice, Marilyn, honey! Only the real thing!

My Lover's On The Pier

2010-12-01T21:35:00.001+01:00

That's how I feel right now that my lover's on the pier...
I love Syd Matters.

Don't let anyone bring you down

2010-11-29T22:02:00.005+01:00

We had this conversation on Shabbat about being foreigner and its advantages. One girl said that it's really cool because nobody labels you and no-one tells you what you should have achieved so far. Then we discussed the choice of our lives to be observant Jews and keeping all the commandments. I said that all of us have come to this point of life when everyone understood lifechange was necessary so what is the better place than our midrasha? This girl agreed and added that it is still very difficult to define what one wants and if one chooses the right thing for the reality is different from as we imagine it.
Ok. What did I answer? You know me. I did not hesitate and said that WE MAKE OUR REALITY, and I personally don't let the system get me down if you know what I mean. Life is what you make it, isn't it?

And today I found this book in the Midrasha library, "Let's face it" by Tzipporah Heller and Sara Yocheved Rigler. Even though I am not very fond of this kind of books, I liked lots of ideas in it. One of the issues was exactly 'my' subject of making one's own world and reality. Nobody is saying that you should separate yourself from the society or public life, but you should not let anything spoil your goals and belief. Imagine if Jews have ever surrendered, where could've led it us anyway? NOWHERE!!!

So don't let anyone say that you are old-fashioned, or too smart (been through this), don't let anyone bring you down just because you don't fit in a popular culture frame!!! Just believe in One G-d, and your abilities of changing yourselves and the world you are living in!
I believe. I always have, Baruch Hashem!!!
Of course I am not constantly happy; get sad and get lots of problems to solve, but in the end of the day I know WHO I stand with and WHAT I stand for.

Quote of the day

2010-11-28T08:41:00.002+01:00

Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. And its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

Marilyn Monroe

Soul Asylum

2010-11-21T20:01:00.002+01:00

My mother hates this kind of guys. She says they look like drug addicted and irresponsible British rock stars :lol: even though these b^&(s are from the US and I love this song. Runaway train, that used to be me. The love I ever felt was for this kind of train and gosh, what use can train have if it is not running away?

Runaway

2010-11-15T22:34:00.005+01:00

Seymour Glass is the only suicidal man I love. And you know why did he do it? Because he had seen it all, he had loved people, read all the books, and just decided to go there where he would feel better. I think I would never be friends with Seymour for I would have fallen in for him and could've not noticed his deep spirituality. I am designed for Buddy who is crazy, witty and little clumsy comparing to Seymour.

Anyway (say it in New Zealandish accent), Monday's fading away and what I have learned today is that life is not causal, damn it, it is rough. I posted about Drew Barrymore on my Georgian blog, about her sad eyes in her new movie "Going the distance" and what I mostly wrote about her was meant for myself.

Seriously, I looked in the mirror yesterday and it was some strange woman looking at me with her red eyes and crazy hair (need to dye soon).
Although I look very fine on the photos even I could have not guessed what's wrong with me, but there is something wrong. I feel like a mouse in a cage, you know the one that is running, running and still remains there?
Because right now I don't know where to run. I have no particular place to call home :| For I do not feel home anywhere :/ As my old story's character Sunny would have said: 'Nothing is worse than being a flower cut off its roots and placed in a vase.'
Yes, I still miss my Georgia very much.

Looking into the dark

2010-11-13T20:21:00.004+01:00

Looking out the window today I realized that I am afraid
Afraid of something I am not.
Not what others want me to
To be supersmart.
Supersmart who is so tired of people looking.
Looking into the dark and seeing the same face
Face that is getting old day by day.
Days change into the nights
Nights were never my favourite.

I thought I could not write anymore.
Thank G-d I can.

(Ane Brun on the photo)

Le Fille Sur Le Pont

2010-11-09T21:58:00.009+01:00

Daniel Auteuil and Vanessa Paradis in "Le Fille Sur Le Pont" (Girl on the bridge)

Oh, it's Tuesday which means tomorrow is Wednesday, then Thursday and soon Friday. Friday counts as Shabbat. And Shabbat means home cooked food, interesting conversation with the host family and no connection to any electric stuff. What a righteous person I am, gosh. Well, you know my spirituality, if I always talk about it you'll go crazy so let me be funny and shallow tonight. I sound like blonde :D

Daryl Hannah

This week is being quite good actually. Don't feel sleepy anymore, but have been thinking about this crazy T-shirt Daryl Hannah wore back in 90's. It's absolutely crazy but I see old men and think, hell, do they also need love? Probably they do :/

Winona Ryder and Richard Gere in "Autumn in New York"

I admit that I like men with little grey hair like of that Richard Gere or most amazing French actor Daniel Auteuil who has performed millions of different roles in French movies and still is so unique with his "adrienbrodyish" nose and grey hair. I've learned that women have different attitudes (if you say so, Soph) between and during their period cycles. That is world known fact that women depend on the Moon more than any other human being. So I should go and check out where the moon is standing right now. For it really makes me wonder why have I started to think about dirty old men's love problems? Who cares. I know no old man, do I? At least no-one with grey hair like Richard Gere. Oh my! I wish I did.
Dear Doctor Freud, can I come in? ;)

To Teddy and David

2010-11-04T22:52:00.007+01:00

Sometimes I feel like all the Salinger characters taken together: Holden, Seymour, Teddy, Franny, Buddy... Gosh.
I did not go to the Smiths' today. I did not feel well, I wanted to stay home, have beer and read something from Salinger. I had missed him.

So I reread "Teddy". You know what kills me in it? Episode when Teddy's talking to the big guy and tells him how he found out about G-d's existence: He was 6 and saw his sister drinking milk. So he realized there must have been God in that milk and in his sister too. I just could not read it without my heart trying to jump out my chest. Boy, is Teddy amazing!
I don't know when I realized there was G-d. I think I was younger and my nanny read a story of David and Goliath to me - so I thought there should have been SOMEONE who would dwell in David's heart and mind to encourage him to defeat the huge enemy.

I think Teddy and I had the same experience, he saw God in the milk and I saw Him in 'little' David's heart which probably was trying to jump out as mine did today while reading "Teddy".

After reading it I could not stay in my room anymore. So I went downstairs at the Garretts' (this lovely young couple from the States). She was cooking for Shabbos with Rachel and I wasn't in time I guess. I walked here and there, said this and that, and I was about to leave when I decided to tell the story of Teddy to Michal and Rachel. That's how our conversation started. She told me how she feels about G-d, then her husband came home and we asked his opinion for he is very intelligent person. But he's a rabbi-to-be and I don't feel very comfortable speaking out my mind with him.

When I left I felt little sad. What if I should have not brought up "Teddy" at all? I am afraid that people will think of me as this smart but crazy person who reads Salinger like mad and sees G-d in the milk and David's heart. The problem is that I am little crazy and I would have never had this personality that I have now without reading Biblical stories in my childhood and Salinger in my adolescence.

But this is not all.
After leaving the Garretts' apartment I logged on Facebook and saw Rebekka's message. She sent me the link to her blog. Man! She is just unbelievable or I just want her to be so. She might be reminding me of my "Holden Caulfield" childhood and all those things that used to inspire me. Whatever it is I could never imagine that it was possible to have such thoughts and be able to express them so well.

I had a wonderful day I have to say.
Day full of learning, thinking and finding Teddy in my room dwelling in the book and waiting for me to open it up. So I did.

November Rain & French Breakfast

2010-11-03T16:06:00.005+01:00

It has just started to rain. Yes, my first November rain of the year. Axl Rose would've loved it. Maybe he still does. But now I'm listening to Martina McBride.

This rain makes me want to run away to Paris. I have this crazy idea of French Breakfast with someone who I could talk to and laugh out my guts. It is not even about having breakfast with the character of my novels you know. Or maybe it is :/

Wishlist of the people to talk to

2010-10-29T11:48:00.012+02:00

This week has been pretty good. I've been learning "Shmuel" (Prophet Samuel's book), Kings' and been thinking how amazing should King Solomon had been.
Do you know what amazes me? That he had so many wives and women slaves.
No wonder all his wives were happy, even the 700th one. Although I think he could not know all of them in person because logically he would not have time to have relationship with everyone. There are much less days in a year than the quantity of his wives and women slaves in general.
In addition with that King Solomon was a great ruler and composed amazing writings. He just could not had had the time for all.

So now it explains my worries about polygamy.

Can you imagine to be someone's 700th wife? I can't. I would have killed them all total 699, and then would choke my husband with too much love.

But King Shlomo was THE King Shlomo and not the boy next door. There has never been a man like him and I very much doubt that there will ever be.

You know I have a list of the Biblical characters who I would like to meet and now King Solomon is the leader of it. There are Jacob, Moses, Judith, Ruth, Sarah, King David and Ibn Ezra (he is not Biblical figure though) also in the list. Sometimes I wish so much I could meet one of them and talk. I believe they would understand my points of view - people never change even from the times of Abraham and Sarah; human heart and soul stay the same, it's just the environment that changes.

SHABBAT SHALOM!!!

My Important Life

2010-10-21T13:47:00.002+02:00

I can't write as I used to. I think I get so tired and overwhelmed during the day that I have no emotions left to write them down afterwards.

Waking up in the morning, davening, breakfast and shiurim (lectures) right away. Then 4 hours break and shiurim again. Sometimes I find myself in a situation when I can't even think. I had a conversation with Pessy (former madricha from Israel) the other day and we came to this conclusion: the seminary environment is not natural. Our life is not what real life is. We're having intense trainings all day long and at night when we go to sleep, we sleep like logs. All these days we spend in here are full of emotions which develop inside and often we forget the outside. You know what I mean? I don't know if we forget and who is this "we", gosh. I should only speak about myself. Ok, I forget. Then I demand love and understanding from others without realizing that my point of view is not universal as well as my education. Others haven't got the opportunities I have had in my life or not all of them were brought up with Biblical stories about little brave David shooting Goliath off. And even if some people had had that opportunity - not everyone uses it as I do. That's how I try to cope with problems inside my mentality and seminary life as it is. I keep telling myself: Sophie, you're what you are but others don't (can't) have to be as you want them to be.

There are days when I feel so tired and emotionally exhausted that I think I'm going to break down. But then the shiurim again inspire and give strength to climb up the mountain called: Torah learning.

Oh, LORD!
"...may my life be important in the eyes of Hashem, and may He save me from all misfortune." (Samuel I)

Dreaming about Dodge Challenger

2010-10-18T20:58:00.014+02:00

Dedicated to all the stunt women in the world

Zoe doing most crazy stunt job

Zoe also doubled Uma Thurman and Vivika A. Fox in "Kill Bill"

My late love is Zoe Bell, the toughest stunt woman from New Zealand. She just rocks in Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof". Man, does she kick ass! Plus she has this harsh voice with super lovely New Zealand accent. Gosh. Why wasn't I born over there?

My baby Dodge Challenger 1971

"Evil Mike" by Kurt Russell

Rosario playing Abernathy Ross

Anyway. Zoe Bell is one of the reasons I watched "Death Proof". I've never been Tarantino's big fan, but have to admit that he's got a huge mind.
This movie has it all: action, music, crazy girls, Kurt Russell playing evil guy; Rosario Dawson has the best monologues, and she's so natural. I've always loved her. I mean everyone is cool in this movie as Tarantino himself. You know sometimes you just need to get on top and ride the dodge challenger like these girls do.
Oh, if I ever drive a car it should be JUST that, you hear?

Puppy love

2010-10-15T11:45:00.003+02:00

Sharon Osbourne

Drew Barrymore as Sharon Osbourne on SNL - she's way too cute for sure.

Like an Apple

2010-10-07T15:38:00.006+02:00

Tea for one

I still haven't learned to keep calm when people do not behave well. I don't show it, I just leave the room and walk to and fro until my anger passes away. Today I felt that I was so small like an apple. It is always a problem. Feeling small and helpless. Miriam Masha (The teacher) spoke about 'emmuna and bitachon' (faith and trust) today, and it sounded so familiar to me, but sometimes I forget it. I lose bitachon. When I lose it I lose myself as well. I become like some strange person walking in my body and the soul as a trapped animal. Imagine how is it to feel like you are an apple: green, fresh, juicy, but small.

Maybe I should visit a psychoanalyst at last and not to rely only on my own analysis. That's how it all starts - being an apple and then becoming Napoleon the Bonaparte ;) Ok, now I am joking.

I miss my home.
I miss things like coming back home from the University and buying bread.
I miss sitting in my kitchen in the morning, listening to the radio and writing.
It is not a regular missing. No. It is something different. Really.

What's Going On?

2010-10-03T21:31:00.004+02:00

What else can I say? Here is the song, here are the lyrics and here is my life. My 25 years of waking, sleeping and asking myself: What's goin' on???

25 years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry somethimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on
And I say hey....
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey....
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
Oooh....
And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin'on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
25 years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

Come closer, don't be shy

2010-09-29T16:18:00.003+02:00

Ok, I have always been fond of Scarlett Johansson, not of her singing though. Especially when she covered Tom Waits. But more I listen more I like it. She sings from the depth of her lungs, doesn't she? And it must be very hard. It is always hard to cover someone great while you're a petite blonde girl with big boobs. I can't actually tell what it's like for I am none - neither petite blonde nor with big boobs, I'm just guessing.

Hands and whiskey

2010-09-26T23:46:00.006+02:00

I think I'm going crazy. I need to step back and slap myself, you know what I mean? I should stop thinking.

I'm still sick. I've been sick forever I guess. Cold. Sore throat. Sore nose. Sor-e-ority.

Oh, I have a new character for my novel - a tall guy with long hands walking down my street and rocking his hands to and fro. Seriously. I wish I could jump out the window and have whiskey with him in the leftist bar around the corner. I am not quite sure (and never will be probably) whether he is red or not, but I like his hands. I love hands.

I told you I am going crazy.

I want my BACK back

2010-09-20T11:47:00.005+02:00

Sometimes it's crazy what you may see from your window. I haven't even looked out today, I just mean it in a metaphoric way. Window is like a heart or soul, I look into it and try to catch it, but can't. This window is so slippery. Have you seen this Marquez-book-like dreams? I have - swimming in the violet sea and seeing dead people in it. I mean not dead literally, they were swimming and all just not knowing they're dead. So I closed my window and went to sleep.

Oh, how am I really doing? Had a terrible back ache yesterday. I had it coming. I was standing whole day on Yom Kippur and was even proud of myself for being so strong. Remember, never overestimate your powers! That's what I've been doing for life and it always ends with back ache and stressful mood. Plus I've got one of my contact lenses ripped and have to buy new one. This is depressing, I thought it would last for 3 months. But who cares about lenses, I wish my back ache passes soon.

Been listening to Lily Allen today. Time to go out for a walk and exercise my poor back a bit.

Tight me up! :P

2010-09-17T14:49:00.008+02:00

Tactless people are killin' me. Really. Somebody told me the other day that I am being tight about some things. I did not know what to answer. Usually I try to laugh when I'm embarrassed, but this time I could not laugh either. It was not only about me, but about Georgia where I come from. Even now when I'm calmer just can't think of a proper answer to that not-very-nice comment.

It's Yom Kippur very soon. I forgive that one for hurting my feelings and calling me "tight". And I hope and ask Hashem never ever put me in a situation like that when I have no words to reply because if I would I could've crashed all. Not very good solution for G-d fearing person. I also hope I am not tactless and if I ever was, I am so sorry and FORGIVE ME, please!

Anyway.

When I get older I will be stronger ;) :D I can't stop listening to this:

שנה טובה ומתוקה

2010-09-08T16:21:00.004+02:00

Yes, it's been a year.
Quite a long and important year. Remember my Rosh Hashanah last year? It was one of the best days of my life and I'll never forget it.

This year is very different. I am different too. It's been total 6 months I study at the midrasha. It was September 24th when I arrived in Berlin for the first time and that's when all the changes began. It was difficult in the beginning, I needed quite a time to adjust and get used to Germany. And here I am now after a year, waiting for Rosh Hashanah and thinking about my past year, future plans and the life choice. My mother used to tell me that one should grab a chance and make the right choice before it fades away. I guess I was always a good daughter listening to my mother... even though she wanted me to become a career woman, I still grabbed a chance and made this choice of becoming religious Jew and keeping all the commandments with joy and happiness.

I very much hope to improve my character this year, to work on my negative features; be more patient, and less emotional than I am now. I also hope to be forgiven by all the people who I have accidentally hurt. You know I love you all, I love the whole wide world for it is the place that Almighty G-d created for us and now it is absolutely up to us how to take care of it and each others.

Do you also think that I grew old? Lots of people who I had not seen for a long time and meet me now keep telling me that I have changed a lot, and there's something womanish in me :) funny, isn't it? I think it was time for me finally to become womanish. Sunny girl should be left in the past and I should move on and on.

May you all have sweet and meaningful New Year!!! My special love and best of brachot to family Rosenblatt in Tbilisi - last Rosh Hashanah will remain in my heart forever. THANK YOU!

שנה טובה ומתוקה

Like Liz Wurtzell

2010-08-25T16:20:00.004+02:00

I'm back in Berlin. It's my third arrival and second year in the midrasha. I feel like I'm thousand years old and I've seen it all. I never thought I'd feel this way. Berlin always makes me sad in the beginning before I get used to it - new people, new environment and new me. Yes, new ME. I change day by day so much that sometimes I can't recognize myself.

Before I left home I had conversation with my mother and I felt like Elizabeth Wurtzel in "Prozac Nation" - "I wanted to become something big and important, I wanted to be successful, but I just could not." I guess I felt little guilty before my mum who has always wanted me to be a career woman, and I don't know if I ever wanted the same. Anyway, she cheered me up saying that she's happy if I am happy.

It is so difficult to be completely happy, but I'm trying. I really do. DO YOU TOO?

Gael rocking in Georgia

2010-07-30T12:00:00.009+02:00

When my Israeli friend told me that Gael Garcia Bernal is in Kazbegi taking part in a new movie, I was amazed. Although lots of movie stars have been visiting Georgia lately and it was not a big surprise to me.

"Bad education"

I have never been his fan and I don't even like how he played Che Guevara in the "Motorcycle diaries". You know when you love someone you have imagined him differently and suddenly comes this small Mexican boy and breaks down your socialistic dreams :) so I really wish to see Gael and talk about that movie, about his approach to Che's role and lots of other things ;)

"Y Tu Mama Tambien"

First movie that I saw was "Y Tu Mama Tambien" ('Your Mother Too') with Gael and Diego Luna. I loved Diego Luna in that movie and still think that he's more talented, but Gael has got different charm which Hollywood adores and that is the reason of his becoming a star out there.

Turquoise dreams

2010-07-23T16:49:00.012+02:00

Alain Delon

"La Piscine"

Sometimes I miss my father. I wish I knew him better. And whenever I miss him I watch Alain Delon's movies. He looked like Alain Delon very much, sometimes they have same look that breaks my heart. I have realized that every man who I either like or hate looks like my father. Freud was genius.

One and only ROMY SCHNEIDER

"La Piscine" (Swimming pool) - the turquoise 1969 movie of Jacques Deray with Alain Delon, Romy Schneider and young Jane Birkin.

Jane Birkin

It is not a movie to talk about, it is to see... to dive into late 60's and sadly remember that those years will never be back as my father is not to be freed from his demons. I have heard from many people how they wished to live in 60's, but I DO LIVE 60's for I have my own world where I can avoid everything and everyone and just swim in a Piscine of turquoise dreams.

10/10

LIFE IS A MUSIC

2010-07-22T09:13:00.003+02:00

Life is not only a movie. It is MUSIC!!! After 3 weeks of mourning I am so relieved and happy to listen to it. Oh, G-d, there's nothing more beautiful and inspiring as music.

I've never known that I loved music so much really. The last days of 9th Av week was very difficult for me only because I missed music and I did not know what to do. Actually it helped me to be sad and think about Beit Hamikdash.

Anyway, I am so happy to remember that there's always joy and G-d with stretching arm to save us.

I can't stop listening to Natalia Oreiro's "Rio de la plata" since yesterday. It has rhythm of my favourite South America and this song makes me feel all the pain of Uruguay and other Latin countries suffering from poverty and dictatorship. You know I don't mean Cuba for Castro is less dictator than any other president I believe.

Rio de la plata  

Con lagrimas en los ojos me fui alejando
Vivi lo duro que fue
Dejar todo atras
Mi gente mi barrio
Tener que marcharme sola
De mi tierra un dia
Cuando era una niña
Dejandolo todo
Por mis fantasias
Soy del rio de la plata
Corazon latino
Soy bien candombera
Llevo siempre una sonrisa
Con mi sueño a cuestas
No tengo fronteras
Soy del rio de la plata
Que viva el candombe de sangre caliente
Ritmo que me enciende el alma
Que brilla en los ojos de toda mi gente
Las lagrimas de mis ojos
Se fueron yendo
Vole por tantos caminos
Y sin darme cuenta
Casi toco el cielo
Hoy yo le canto al mundo
Con toda la fuerza
Que llevo aquí dentro:
Que vale la pena
Luchar por un sueño!!
Soy del rio de la plata
Corazon latino...
Cumplir un sueño
Te puede cambiar la vida
Creci
Buscando mi suerte
Sonañdo despierta
Y deshojando heridas
Hoy se que aunque fui tan lejos
Buscando un destino
Soy siempre la misma
Que llevo en el alma
Mi tierra querida
Soy del rio de la plata
Corazon latino
Soy bien candombera
Llevo siempre una sonrisa
Con mi sueño a cuestas
No tengo fronteras
Soy del rio de la plata
Que viva el candombe de sangre caliente
Ritmo que me enciende el alma
Que brilla en los ojos de toda mi gente

A Single Man

2010-07-20T22:16:00.011+02:00

Well, Tom Ford's intention was to become a gay Nabokov, - that was my first reaction after seeing this movie "A Single Man", where middle aged man likes younger guys even though avoids to have any sexual affair with them... so far. Colin Firth is brilliant as usual, I adore him and will never be able to judge him negatively. Julianne Moore also performs her role so well that will make you either cry or laugh endlessly.

One of the babyish boy flirting with the main character

Then I read Tom Ford's biography and it became clear to me where did he get the idea for this movie. Can't criticize him very much for he's tremendous designer and quite okay director. There are lots of intellectual symbols in this movie even though for some instance I wished Colin Firth's character to talk more about literature, life, society; but he never got a chance to finish his interesting opinions because some young gay boy would jump on him flirting and seducing.

One of the best shots in the movie: Hitchcock's "Psycho" as a background poster

Cast: Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Colin Firth, Matthew Goode and two handsome fellas

You have to see it by yourselves. I felt really glad that could watch "A Single Man" and figure out my views not only about homosexual relationships, but about the meanings of other things such as - loyalty, education and hope.

Good job, Tom - 8/10.

This isn't Paris. This is hell.

2010-07-18T21:27:00.010+02:00

Jack:

"This isn't Paris. This is hell."

I knew Julie Delpy was extremely talented, but I would never imagine that "2 days in Paris" could be such an amazing movie. Imagine Julie has directed, written, produced and played main character in the movie. Oh, and she has also done some music for it. This movie is not only about relationship between french woman and american man, it is more than that. It's about life, about European problems of racism and especially french ones.

Looking for Jim Morrisson's tomb

Before I saw this movie I read that Julie Delpy has got American citizenship and has been living there for a long time. Although she has kept her French passport, she feels home in the Usa. One might not notice it, but you can tell that she despises lots of things in Paris and understands that it is not the way people should live. Julie's character is very emotional, very just and gets angry about people who do wrong. She's this sweet and little crazy girl Celine (from "Before Sunrise") who got older, but can't help to be a strong woman with attitude. Not only Celine, she's also Sophie if you'd like to know...

It's so funny when she calls him: BUBI

Not only being strong woman is a problem, but also being smart and outspoken. When I watched this movie I was amazed, man, it is so hard to find a guy you could talk to and that's why I haven't liked anyone lately. I mean, all those tricks and girl things are really disgusting and depressing, do you know what I'm saying? All those things one should do or should not on a date, to plan the conversation before, ask this, ask that, respond or not to... I guess this movie said everything I've ever wanted to say out loud - there are much more important things going on in the world and people just sit and waste their lives planning tricks and deceiving one another.

Bravo, Julie!
10/10

Leap Year - about American women & Irish men

2010-07-15T12:11:00.010+02:00

I can't understand why do all those successful American women leave everything behind for rude, hairy pub owner Irish men?

Yep. This movie "Leap year" is about an American redhead Anna who falls for Irish Declan (not easy name to pronounce), who is rude, eats like pig and never helps her to carry the luggage.

It's a typical American movie shot by English director Anand Tucker who's quite okay I would say. It will absolutely remind you the other American redhead woman vs Irish man movie "Laws of attraction".

So very Good_e, smoking, huh?

Still worth to see just for breathtaking scenery of Ireland, Amy Adams's childish yet very mature face and Matthew Goode - just another British bad boy with dark eyes and attractive smile.

5/10

Night Radio Voice

2010-07-13T11:03:00.010+02:00

I have a new favourite actress - Romola Garai. I've always liked her, but in this movie "Glorious 39" she was wonderful. Even though the end of the movie was quite unfit. It's a quiet British movie with good actors in it: Bill Nighy, Julie Christie, Jeremy Northam (my old love). I don't know whether director or script writer went wrong because I was expecting more action, more reality and suddenly movie was over. But I have to admit that costumes were perfect, nature was beautiful (that's G-d) and actors played quite all right.

Romola - she has this big blue (or grey) eyes looking into the camera and making you feel like you've known her forever. Also her low voice is very charming and it's one of the best parts when she reads books for her father. Listening to her I once more missed radio. She has typical night radio voice for intellectuals if you know what I mean.

To resume, British movies have some kind of charm that no other movies have. I love French movies, but still can't compare with English ones. There's something about their accent and the way they talk, walk, smile, cry... I just love it.

Here is the link of "Glorious 39" for Georgian readers.
7/10

Oh, and she reads

2010-07-11T10:26:00.008+02:00

Oh, dearest Marilyn, I know no more who you really were. There are lots of photos with you reading books, sitting thoughtfully and smiling sadly. Who were you anyway - was it just for business to make you blond bimbo and suddenly reveal that you were intelligent ginger girl? Maybe you weren't intelligent at all? I'm just too confused with this Hollywood drama, marketing stuff :/ it's so depressing. Oh, now I know who you were :)